Bobby Kringle La Douche’
Lordy, Lordy, Lordy…………………. too much Steve Harvey. He is not an English professor by the way. I was reluctant to write a letter this year but as letters came in that resembled the blubbering drivel on ShitBook I felt that my readers need to re-evaluate what people are interested in. Why do you think that anyone gives a crap about a picture of a piece of pie that you ate on a cruise ship loaded with disease and 5000 suckers? Is the purpose of this letter to let me know that you can afford such luxuries? Oh, how nice that you ate a mango under a palm tree in Tahiti. I can’t get enough of your wife’s saline boobies hanging out of her yellow string bikini. Crepe skin and wrinkles oozing out everywhere. What about the ever-present bottle of wine in Italy? Wow you are drinking right where Mussolini was executed. I love the picture you included with your son sitting on Cardinal Pedophiles lap and that special smirk on his face. Ahhh here you are smelling the abundant BO in Budapest. How about something really unique? How about a pic of you drinking a margarita in Mexico, sunburnt and a sombrero on your fat head? By the way your margarita glass hasn’t been washed in soap since it was manufactured. And most importantly who can resist a picture of the strip in Las Vegas. Ohhhh what about a video of the fountains at the Bellagio. Nobody has seen this. Send your recipients into a frenzy with a unique picture of the marque at Caesars Palace with Celine Dion on it.
You can only top this with boring facts about your children and grandchildren. Enough that little Oscar has Asperger’s syndrome and can draw a frog. Pictures of your refrigerator art work lack a little imagination unless it shows the child to be a potential serial killer. Let me throw this at ya. How about a pic of a bumper sticker that says Proud Lesbian Mother of an Honor Role Transgender Student at Rainbow Academy? Another great story is that of you or a family member running a marathon. The best part of a marathon is when the runner shits himself or herself at the end. Please tell me about that cause that’s cool. Send video please.
As you reorganize your thoughts and try not to overwhelm your friends and family with boring gloating stories about you and yours let’s move to the 2018 Bobby Kringle La Douche’ Christmas letter.
Early in the year I sent my DNA to Gene and Me. I awaited the results with sheer excitement. I had heard family stories about my ancestors but thought it was probably bullshit. The letter came and boom I was elevated to new levels of self-interest. I am 85% French and 5% African, 5% German and 5% Mongolian. I am related to Genghis Kahn but so are .5% of the males on earth. That be 19+million of us. My ancestor was a big-time rapist. I found out that my great grandfather, Pierre La Douche’ was the first to surrender in Paris to the Germans in WWII. Another great great uncle, Peroit La Douche’ owned a cotton plantation in Louisiana and started the world’s first 401 K plan for his slaves although it was in confederate currency. My African relative Rufus La Douche’ took a knee during the playing of the National Anthem at the Chicago’s World Fair in 1933. Another African ancestor Jemimah La Douche’ was the model for pancake and syrup containers worldwide. Bidet La Douche’ was Napoleons ass wiper. They say he was quick and soft with his stroke. My German relative Helmut Ladburg was a stunt double for Werner Klemperer (Colonel Klink on Hogan’s Heroes). He committed suicide after the show as cancelled. He was also a model for Mr. Peanut and it’s been said Mr. Peanut actually used Helmut’s monocle. Edmund Hillary La Douche’ was the first to crap on the summit of Mt. Everest on August 5, 1954. There are bits of frozen corn still present near the memorial. Summers Eve La Douche’ invented, well, you know what.
Now you can understand why I hold my head up and some say I’m arrogant. All I can say is qui.
Joyeux Noel!
Viva La Douche’