By Bobby Jethro La Douche’
We are going to discuss critical questions and facts that may help guide the ill-informed. The various questions are not set by priority just random as usual. I received this list from well-meaning fans of crapmagazine.com.
Bobby: What are we going to do about airplane passengers striking flight attendants? Anne Scrotus
Well Anne, I look at this as a customer service problem of the airport and airlines. I’m really surprised that there have been no murders on the airplane. Perhaps a review of the entire process may help us to get to the root cause of this issue. We enter the airport 2 to 3 hours before our flight leaves. Masks on we trudge with our luggage to either a kiosk or an unfriendly employee behind the counter. Most times you can be standing right in front of the person and there is a failure to acknowledge. The anger is starting. After what seems to be a very long bout of data collection you place your 51-pound piece of luggage on the scale. Overweight she says. That will cost you $125 for that extra 1 pound in your bag. Can we just take something out of the bag you ask? Alright she says. Bent over the luggage you fish for something to remove. Sweat is starting to moisten your brow. After she tells you you can have your boarding code on your phone you request a paper boarding pass because you know sure as shit you will not be able to locate your bar code on your phone when you have to. Off you go. If you are at the kiosk, you will still be there getting your luggage tags out of the machine and wondering how to secure them to your bags. After tagging, you haul them up to the attendant where you wait in another line to get them weighed. You know what happens now. Next stop the TSA. These friendly folks are several tiers below the DMV employees in the warm and fuzzy department. After this episode you are wondering why you are going on the airplane at all. Because you now have 2 hours before you board you stand in line to sit at a Chilis to pay $23 for a cocktail and $20 for a pancake. The happiness scale is very low at this point. The plane is late boarding and you enter an aircraft that hasn’t been cleaned for 50 flights. You enter the plane and the flight attendant looks down her nose at you and may or may not greet you at all. Your glasses are all fogged up from your mask and you navigate to your tiny seat with just enough leg room for a double amputee. You are just one more incident from DefCon4. You are in a thick cloud of Covid and other insidious bacteria and viruses. You try to put this out of your mind to stabilize your breathing and heart rate. Your face is bright red because of adrenaline and the temperature in the flying tube is hot, very hot because the female flight attendants are always cold and they insist on the plane being warm enough to keep a prime rib at serving temperature. You now have achieved the proper degree of anger that would allow you to punch somebody without a thought. If you have managed to not throw a punch by now it WILL happen at the rental car counter. Not really hard to understand.
So, Anne, the solution lies in how the operators of the airport, the TSA and the airlines can reduce the anger and tension that is off the graph. One sure thing is NOT to eliminate cocktail service. Why the do they allow people to recline their seats? Is it so you can redo the color of his hair and be closer to his bacteria and viruses. Let them offer screens that play movies or shows in the airport gate area. Help the TSA folks work on their resumes so they can find a job they might like.
Dear Mr. La Douche’: Where did the Covid 19 virus come from and when will it end? Tracy Pooh-Aldini
It was purposely developed and released by the fucking Chinese government. Some lab in Wuhan or a Panda Express nearby. It’s really not going to end. It will continue to mutate until everyone in the world is dead. I hope this helps Tracy.
Dear Bobby: I’ve been waiting and waiting to buy a new car but there aren’t any to buy. Why is this? Richard Deacon
Dear Dick,
Another Chinese issue or issues. Mainland China gave us the pandemic and Taiwan makes the computer chips that go into the cars. Companies stopped production because workers were sick, the shift of available chips to lap tops as the school kids were being taught virtually and this has shut down the whole auto industry. Are you seeing the Chinese theme here? This type of stuff is part of the touchy, feely, ass kissing global market we are in. The more we buy from the outside world the more dependent we become. It’s like a 40-year-old kid living in your basement with no job. The end result will not be good. However, the auto industry has become aware that reduced production equals more money per unit with less labor costs and higher sale prices. So even if they catch up with the chips they are going to lower production by a ton and make a bigger profit. Less jobs, less production, higher prices and here we go. This shortage is actually the answer that GM and Ford were looking for. Sorry Mr. Deacon
Dear Mr. La Douche’: Why did the cost of everything go up so much in 2021?
Angus Shapiro
Dear Angus,
There is a multitude of reasons for this with the first major component being Biden turning off the Keystone oil pipeline from Canada in the name of going green. We then had to import the amount of oil we turned off from the Middle East which costs much more. We just wanted to go green using other countries higher priced oil. The price of gas then shot up like my blood pressure in the dentist’s office. Since everything we have is delivered with fuel the cost of moving the merchandise goes up and the final amount is given to the consumer. President Greenjeans and his blue, gay, constituents then decide to pay people monthly for having children they can’t afford. Billions of extra dollars go into the economy and inflations booms. All of a sudden, we have ships sitting on the California coast waiting to be offloaded and thousands of cargo containers sitting on the dock. Everything in those containers has probably doubled in price. This is a total crock of shit. The companies are doing a magic trick on everybody while you keep your eyes on the cost of gas. Another byproduct of the Chinese and the global economy with lots of help from the Bidens and The Ukrainian Power and Light Company. Did you know that you can buy a painting from Hunter Biden for only $500,000? Or should I say Hunter Van Gough? No story here folks. Keep looking at the gallon of gas
Dr Bobby: Why is Aaron Rodgers so odd? Lumpy McCarthy
Dear Lumpy,
He’s from California. They let people crap and throw their drug needles on the sidewalk there.
Dear Bobby: As a Pulitzer Prize winning writer and Nobel Laureate how do you effectively communicate your thoughts and ideas to the world?
Henry Kissinger
Dear Mr. Kissinger,
First and foremost, thanks for negotiating the Vietnam Peace Accord. Your questions literally could take several chapters to answer. I will answer in a direct straight-line. My effectiveness of communication is really simple. Talk to people as if they are stupid and are currently filling their diapers with last night’s Grande burrito. My pleasure to help.
Dear crapmagazine.com: Why the big push for electric cars? Mr. Magoo
Dear Mr. Magoo,
Let’s look at the big picture if you can see it. We are in a race to lower the United States production of greenhouse gases to allow China to increase theirs. Fun facts: 85% of the rare earth materials needed to make electric cars, solar panels and wind turbines comes from China. Guess our balls will be in another sling. Mining will need to increase over 5000% in the world to accommodate the green effort to produce the metals needed. All of this type of work creates more greenhouse gasses. Think of the electric stations required everywhere to plug in your $100K battery car. This is a total smoke job. Think of the grid failures all over the country. Then we will build more natural gas fired power plants that will produce more gasses. Nuclear zero emission plants would be the answer but not here in the US of Gay. I saved the best for last. What will we do with the scrap batteries? Who’s going to look after that process? Currently they are storing all these batteries with hopes that somebody, somewhere, will make them a profit when they turn them in. Last but not least. Your electric car batteries are supposed to last 10 to 20 years (they mean 65,000 miles). Currently cost of replacement is $5000 to $15,000. Can you imagine what they will charge you for getting rid of the 1000 or more pounds of your failing lithium batteries. This is a horseshit pile as big as Mt. Everest. How are those grandiose performance predictions working with your LED light bulbs? As Frau Farbissina stated, “All Lies!”
Dear Mr. La Douche’
If there is anything that can be learned from your experience in life? Frank Bank
Well Frank, I’ve had many a year to distill all of my experiences into fundamental life solutions. This long and winding road has led me to this conclusion which can be used in any situation or calculation of your decision-making process as your travel through life’s sewer pipe. “A sandwich is a sandwich, but a Manwich is a meal!”
Dear Bobby,
Where do they make all the generic medications that we all take daily?
Rusty Stevens
Great question Rusty! Oh, Oh, back to China. What are the chances that your medicine doesn’t have bat or rat shit in it? How about the juices from somebody’s buttocks that haven’t been washed in a year? How about additives that are addictive? Who monitors the manufacturing facility (dirt floor hut made from guano)? Does anyone in the US ever do random lab tests on this crap? Yikes and more yikes. We should be happy to pay more and get production plants running in the US. Ultimately, we are beholden to who? China again.
Mr. L,
Is there another stimulus check coming from the government in 2022?
Needy in Milwaukee
Dear Loser. Yes, there is but it’s going to go to parents of newborns, foster parents, and adoptive parents. $1400 to each parent. Gadzooks! Let’s buy votes whenever possible. If you have a newborn than you must have had an inkling of the money necessary to raise a child and prepared accordingly or is your newborn a product of a drug/alcohol laced sexual frenzy. The government is now paying for your urges. Don’t they pay foster parents already? I’ll tell you something, $1400 is not going to induce me to be a foster parent. Gladys and I have done our tour of duty with our children and I don’t have enough left in me to take non stop emotional abuse from somebody else’s kids. Crapmagazine commends all the foster parents out there who serve these children as you must have the Right Stuff. Adoptive parents can’t get a child unless they pay lots of money to get one. Is $1400 going to grow the business?
So Needy in Milwaukee, get a job, get two jobs if you have to. You are a remora fish on the belly of the shark. Don’t let the stimulus check hit you in the ass on the way out.
Final question of the day.
What’s new with new Microsoft Word software? Frances Bavier
Miss Bavier,
It is my understanding that the new Microsoft word will highlight words that you type which may be offensive to some folks and will give you a list of non-offensive words to use instead. Is Bill Gates the new Heinrich Himmler? If I get this right, I can no longer use terms like butt pirate, pole smoker, ass pounder, carpet muncher, fur trader, sir, chocolate helmet, chink, slope head, zipper head, msg breath, sambo, porch monkey, frog, hymie, heeb, flat ass, cracker, greaser, herring choker, dago, wop, gay wad, pollack, Huns, whiskey beak, yellow hoard, nips and spic. Also, she, he, her, him, man and woman. But I digress. The people of crapmagazine.com believe in free speech. Amen.
Bobby Jethro La Douche’
Advocate for the non-pea brained community and sales rep for Manwich.