More Advice from Bobby La Douche’ (non-credentialed life coach)
Dear Bobby, I need some advice!
My baby daddy “Calvin” wants to go on a vacation. He said he is very stressed out after watching his child “Barry” in the afternoon while I work two jobs. “Calvin” is trying to sell a screen play that he has worked on for ten years to various leads he gets from the bar he hangs out at. When I ask him about a conventional job he gets angry and asks why I don’t believe in him. He says I can be such a bitch and I think he’s right. “Calvin” wants to go to an all-inclusive resort in Mexico to unwind and reestablish his creative juices. He already asked my single mom to watch “Barry” and so we can go I guess. I am going to borrow the money for the trip from my 401K. Mr. La Douche’ how do you feel about this plan?
Leslie from New Jersey
Dearest Leslie,
I don’t know where to start here. The term baby daddy is fashionably cute these days. It’s a term that is used because both of your dumb shits didn’t use birth control while you were satisfying your primal urges. They have a morning after pill unless you wanted to work two jobs and support “Calvin” and “Barry” forever.
“Calvin” should have been replaced by a vibrator. Wake up and smell the feces Leslie. Like many women your age you believe that you have no value unless you give yourself the right be miserable.
Next item: Mexico: If you go to the city dump that’s all inclusive as well. “Calvin” is so unwound already that he’s moving in reverse. Why would you go to a country that has hundreds of thousands of it’s citizens trying to leave it every day? You can buy antibiotics over the counter. I wonder why? I like my tequila made with windshield washer fluid. I like sticks with heads on them. I like to have bloody diarrhea. The word refrigeration does not exist in Mexico. Bring home a parasite or two million. If you require health care, holy shit, good luck to you. Send “Calvin” to Taco Bell with his sunglasses.
Next: Borrow from your 401K for Calvin: Yes, you should borrow money from your 401K to hire somebody to kill “Calvin”.
Make a new plan Stan.
Bobby La Douche’