6 Degrees of Fecal Separation
I have always been intrigued with the despair and horror of stories related to feces. We make believe that there is no such thing and I take great delight in telling anyone that will listen that it’s everywhere. Below is a list of stories that I believe resonate in some way with you the avid CRAP reader. Get yourself a nice double roll of your favorite toilet paper, a nice cool bottle of Pinot Noir (reds are preferred with feces) and some dark chocolate.
#1 A recent study that measured the cleanliness and green effect of using paper towels vs blow dryers in restrooms came to the conclusion that blow dryers readily spread “fecal particles” all over you and the bathroom your standing in. Just think your drying your hands and you are getting poop in your face. I heard this on the 10 pm news and just when I thought my day was complete CRAP, it was. I happily closed my eyes and fell into blissful sleep.
#2 They busted a fashion center in LA and found the establishment was selling counterfeit high-end make-up. The make-up was analyzed and they found what? Yes, feces. Police photos from space show a huge dog kennel next to the lab. I know that when most companies look for filler to make more volume they automatically go with CRAP. Who wouldn’t. When you think of it, you would not need to buy counterfeit perfume (urine and plasma) since there is already a fragrance that comes with your make-up. 2000 years ago, somebody said that you get what you pay for. Still quite useful today.
#3 One big buzz word these days is diversity. If it’s diverse then its wonderful. You’re probably wondering where the monkey is going with this. Is there a feces story here somewhere? I went to the Phoenix Sky Harbor airport to pick up my wife. I went around and round and found this mammoth cell phone lot that I had driven past several times. You know that place with the huge green sign that says cell phone lot and holds 1000 cars. After having several diet Mountain Dews that morning a horrifying thing happened. I had to use the porta-john that was sitting in the 110-degree heat for weeks. I moved towards the plastic death container like a lizard being chased by a child. I opened the door and the smell hit me like Phil Spector’s wall of sound. I stepped in and closed the door. Turning towards the urinal that hangs on the side wall I glanced into the pot hole. The CRAP was heaped to a point that was higher than the seat. On top of the point of Mt. Feces was a tampon that looked like a birthday candle. This be where the diversity thing comes to play. I imagined the multitude of whites, blacks, Hispanics, Asians, Viet Cong, PR’s, gays, lesbians, trannies, mutts of every incarnation that shit in here and that is what diversity means to me now. I left a quart of urine in my bladder to get out ASAP. Once I picked up my wife I couldn’t wait to tell her my story. I didn’t leave out one detail.
#4 The Nursing Home: If you used one term to describe the dreaded nursing home it would be feces. Diapers everywhere and 2 people taking care of 100 people whose only ability left is to be able to shit their body weight every day. It would be too obvious to continue to poke fun at the adult diaper thing so I want to discuss something more insidious. Go into any nursing home and pick a room. Male or female it doesn’t matter. Go in and look at the overgrown finger nails, then look closer. Why are their finger nails so dirty? Were they allowed to play in a sandbox? Did they have a play date at the garden center? Why no. These folks were trenching in their diapers or maybe their partners diaper in the next bed. Feces 1 Challengers 0. I just dropped the mic.
#5 Looking for the Sailor: Recently on a Navy vessel the crew couldn’t find one of their bunch. He was found a few days later completely disheveled, confused and lying in his own feces in the engine room. If you remove the fact that he was lying in his own feces the story just isn’t that good. Your minds eye has trouble seeing this scene. Add the feces and you see the sweat, the mess, and you can even smell the stench and feel the heat of the engine room.
#6 One of the vilest things you can say to someone is “eat shit”. Very abrupt and pointed. No exhausting paragraph to say, just a punch in the face. Spanish version “come mierda”. German version “isst kot.’’
What did one dung beetle say to the other dung beetle? This pile had a good review on Facebook.
Emotionally Exhausted,
Bobby La Douche’