Bullshit for the Soul
I drove over to Walmart and picked up some stuff. I went to self-checkout and didn’t like the service I received. Went to discuss the poor service with the manager. He proceeded to tell me that my behavior is counter to good customer relations. I was then fired. I filled a discrimination suit with the Office of Civil Rights for failure to be properly trained before being put on duty.
Best business advice ever, as stated by Fred Flintstone, “Barney, you have to think big to be big”.
It’s totally bullshit that my name isn’t Warren Buffet, Jr.
Every two weeks or so some archaeologist named Dr. Carbonite discovers a bone fragment the size of an egg and in some way its extrapolated that it came from a newly found dinosaur (the horseshitosaurus) the size of New Jersey that only ate Chinese food and therefore was hungry every hour and consumed all the bean sprouts in this hemisphere thereby causing the erosion of the wetlands and death of all living creatures to that point. With this discovery Dr Carbonite was given another grant from the government for $200 Million to continue his research.
Many people who believe that Oprah Winfrey is close to if not the perfect human have forgotten that in the beginning her show was like Jerry Springer. We all gotta pay the dues whether it’s an act of perversion or interviewing scum balls.
The best toy in any tv show was Eddie Munster’s woof woof doll.
I hope to hell that reincarnation is not true. I can hardly manage this current session.
In order to be with it as I get older, my wife and I have decided that we will have an open marriage. My wallet is always open.
My wife and I went to Cleveland yesterday to see the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame. We have never been to Cleveland. Everybody, and I mean everybody that we interacted with was just plain nice and extremely helpful. The Drury Hotel was really cool and the staff was great. They remodeled a government building with a great lime stone facing and huge amounts of marble inside. Our stay included dinner buffet and three drinks each for free as well as a free breakfast the next morning. The room had 10-foot ceilings, new everything, hotel wide internet with no password, and offered free soda and popcorn all day. It’s in a great location just minutes by foot to the various museums and eateries that abound. They have done a nice job of incorporating the Lake Erie frontage with the Browns stadium and the Hall of Fame. See, not everything is CRAP.
There are not many days which commemorate men’s urges. Hope you had a Happy Father’s Day you weasel.
In a few short days a very special time for me will begin. Christmas in July with the Hallmark Channel. It’s like finding a twinkie in your lunch when you were in grade school. I never got one myself, but I did see others get them.
What sort of person cleans peoples’ teeth. I love to see the profile on these folks.
Can anybody help me with this? I want to send a special house warming gift from crapmagazine to John Stewart, Cher, Barbara Streisand, and Samuel L. Jackson but I need their addresses in Canada and South Africa.
How can you be proud of something that just is? What’s the Pride fest thing? Why would you be proud to be gay? You can’t help it, it just is. Are people proud to be straight? It just is. Pride is usually related to an accomplishment. I am proud of my son because he graduated from Harvard. I am proud of my daughter because she became an officer in the Navy. I am proud of drinking one liter of gin yesterday. I am proud that my son wears a condom when he puts his penis into his boy friends butt. You get the point. Let’s put some thought into this stuff.
Jerry Lewis was never funny. Ever.
Two gorillas died at the Milwaukee Zoo recently because they got e-coli from drinking water that they crapped in. The local taxpayers have probably paid 2 billion dollars to keep these stupid animals alive. Maybe a hanging water dispenser would have helped but I’m no zoo keeper.
I don’t know if I should pass this on to Duchess Meghan of Doucheville but in two years she’ll be able to use Prince Harry’s head to put her make up on even in the dark.
In case you doubt that God has a sense of humor just remember that there is no natural reason for the mosquito to exist.
I documented a case of mental illness recently. I was in a bathroom the other morning and a guy standing at the urinal next to me was texting with his right hand and commandeering his weenie with the left hand. Resume material.
Can there really be another Jurassic Park movie. Christ let’s move on.
Note to the world: The United States of America has enough landscapers.