Story by Lester Crocke-Ofschitz
Self-described genius, owner of crapmagazine.com, and media mogul Bobby La Douche’ was arrested by authorities Monday at his estate.
If it weren’t for the diligent work of garbage man Erastus Thomas this story would have never been told. “All I did was look in the trash bin” says Mr. Thomas. “I ain’t no hero “he blushed. Hero Erastus Thomas told police that he saw the bodies partially hidden amongst the liquor bottles and take out food containers. He told his truck driver Candy Leech to stop once he saw the bin open. To his absolute horror the mouse was still in its man-made trap with its neck broken and a surprised look on its face. Erastus had to turn away and vomit to regain his sense of being. A total of seven bodies were found, some in plastic bags and some out in the open like a taunt from Mr. La Douche’. Police were called and then all hell broke out. PETA monitors the police radio and hundreds of PETA disciples descended on the opulent home of media mogul Bobby La Douche’ as police were blasting a hole in the door with a bomb. La Douche’ barricaded himself in the bar room of his house. La Douche’ threatened to kill more mice and himself if the cops came in. He was drinking a single malt scotch at the time. Captain Fred Lamont said it was worth the risk. “I’ve read La Douche’s crap and realized that we needed to save the mice”. The Swat team blew the door and they stormed in like Germans into Poland. It wasn’t long before the whimpering La Douche’ was cuffed. He shit himself while the cuffs were being placed. “Can I put my coat on” lamented La Douche’. Swat team Chief, lesbian Marty Mohan-Mierta, said gruffly to La Douche, “Put your fu…… coat on you worthless pile of shit”. La Douche determined to go down fighting put on his full-length mouse fur coat. A snicker came to his face. As he was hurried out the front door to the jeers of the PETA crowd. La Douche’ flashed his coat to the angry mob liked a runway model. Before the cops could even react one of the protesters broke through and threw human blood over La Douche’s mouse fur coat. Police tackled her in an instant and handcuffed her. All the while she cursed La Douche’ for being alive. The mob pushed closer and closer to the blood splattered suspect. Police struggled to keep the distance at a safe level. La Douche’ spat repeatedly into the crowd. A cop pushed him into the police car and La Douche’s head cracked against the roof line. A caravan of local police and FBI sedans sped off with the suspect. The PETA group had lit torches and somehow La Douche’s home burned to the ground killing La Douche’s two dogs. PETA spokesperson Mable Dillweed said that it has long pushed for the prohibition of lethal mouse traps and that its members had nothing to do with the fire despite burnt torch handles being found in the rubble.
Within twelve hours La Douche’ was booked and flown to a black ops interrogation site in Europe. This reporter has heard rumors of waterboarding.
In a related story a twitter blurb from President Trump stated that mouse traps don’t kill mice, people kill mice.