By Fearless Bobby La Douche’
All of my life when people were angry enough and provoked enough at another human eventually the words “fuck you” would spill out with vigor and in high octane. Then, the reply would be “ahhhh… fuck you” and/or “go fuck yourself”. This may end up in further “fuck you’s” that may also produce the middle finger on one or both hands of one or two people. A possible four peat situation. If the people involved remain in close proximity and the F-bombs continue there could be physical interaction.
I am a little confused about the term fuck you. I know for a fact that millions and millions of people like to F. They even dream and wish for it. So, when you say “fuck you” aren’t you wishing for someone’s wish to come true. It could be a bonding moment. Wait a minute here. If your wish is to deliver the death blow of commentary to someone, let’s find something that’s more exacting and not to be confused with romance. We need a term that is universally understood and leaves no doubt of your discontent with that person or persons. Something that may even sicken people when they hear it. What………what ………. what could it be?
The staff at crapmagazine.com held a 48-hour ad hoc meeting to ponder and decide what the term should be and when to release it. The discussion was brutally honest and left us dazed and smelly. Some of us may not be speaking to each other for quite a while, but we persevered. Even so, we have the answer. We know what will work.
Without further delay we announce the term “Eat Shit” as the hands down winner. “Eat Shit” is uncompromising, not pompous, direct, a treat for the minds eye, and not ambiguous. No need to say it again. It sticks to the bones.
In Spanish: “comer mierda”
In German: “scheiBe essen”
In Chinese: “Chi feenbian”
In Italian: “mangia le feci”
Our staff did our part and now we need the cooperation of film makers, Netflix, TV writers, and plain civilians to just introduce the newest most effective term to instigate an argument, raise awareness of your unhappiness, or start a fight. Goodbye “Fuck you” and a warm fuzzy welcome to “Eat Shit”.
Manger des excrements, (French)
Bobby La Douche