Bobby and Gladys Cruise to Alaska
This is my first travel assignment. I figured my opinion was just as good or better as some travel advisor on the take. We signed up for the Princess Cruise to Alaska which started in Seattle and ended in Seattle one week later. Our ship was the RUBY Princess but I saw no rubies or ruby slippers anywhere. Gladys’ friends who are constant cruisers told her that this cruise was a great one to go on for virgin cruise folk.
Within a short time, we were going to go with my two brothers in law, Helmut and Siegfried, and sisters in law, Winifred and Gwyneth, along with Max C., a writer for crapmagazine.com, and his wife Zelda. As, with most things like this, the potential of group issues would be present. However, the misery loves company slogan would also be helpful and could outweigh any group meshing problems.
CHAPTER ONE
The Airport Experience
I received a large retirement gift for travel from my company so I opted for first class tickets to Seattle. Delta Sky Priority for us. Let the proletariat get stuffed into shit class. Plastered all over my airline tickets was the term Sky Priority and where the Delta Sky Lounge was in our concourse. Gladys and I entered the check in area at Delta and saw the big signs for Sky Priority and First Class which was marked off with its own lane. Since we paid a stupid amount of money for the seats, we swaggered up to the Priority line and were quickly lambasted by a gruff Delta employee of color who barked for us to come over and check in at the monitor with the peasants. After getting our boarding passes, we were sent to the Sky Priority/First Class line where we stood and waited for a female Delta employee of color who was checking ID’s and taking baggage. We stood in the front of the line and the lady never acknowledged our presence until she said. “I’m not open”. The other female Delta employee, who was without color, in the other lane would not look up and greet us. There were no passengers at her spot either. A couple of minutes passed and then, as if she filled her diaper she barks “next”. No hello, no nothing. Just commands. If this was Sky Priority than they must be shitting in the luggage of the coach class passengers. So far Delta blows big time. As comedian Dennis Miller stated “Commercial airline travel is more shit than shit is”.
We go through TSA with the usual anxiety. I give an A+ to the TSA agent who appeared to like her job as she reviewed our documents. The pass through went off without a hitch. Gladys and I raced to the Delta Sky Lounge to wait for our flight with a beverage and some snacks perhaps. We entered and two Delta employees without color were at the front desk. We had our first-class boarding passes in hand. The first lady asks what brings us in. As the cheeses we were we flashed the first class passes and quickly found out that first class in itself does not get you a pass to this lounge. The Sky Priority tattooed on all my documents doesn’t mean crap. However, the ladies who were at the desk were nice and belittled us in a very PC way.
We entered the plane and took our seats. 2A and 2B. Luggage secure we got a beverage from a Delta attendant without color. She was very pleasant. Our seats were wide and comfy and there was a TV monitor in front of us. All systems are good right now. I watched all the losers board and get hitched to their spaces in the casket section of the plane. I extended my pinkie finger while I was drinking my screwdriver. I asked the attendant to make sure the first-class dividing curtain was pulled so I did not have to see the slave hold behind me and keep the unclean from using our bathroom.
Once in the air and warnings were off, we received our breakfast. It consisted of a packaged muffin, granola cereal, and a milk carton good until next year. Was I on North Korean Airways? We landed without incident in Seattle. D – for Delta. While I do not wish for a recession, I hope that when it comes, they go out of business. Smart businesses practice great customer service in the good times so they can survive the bad times. Fred Flintstone said “You have to think big to be big’. This was the slogan for Pterodactyl Airlines.
The Seattle airport is very tired with elevators and walkways too narrow for easy use. Getting to the shuttle pick up was just a little easier than finding Jimmy Hoffa. Off we go to the hotel.
The Seattle-Tacoma Sleep Inn by the airport was very nice. All staff were very pleasant and helpful which is very hard to find in the hospitality business. Shuttles were available and breakfast was included. A+ for the Sleep Inn. (the staff earned the extra plus)
The Seattle Experience
During our 24-hour layover period in Seattle, 6 of us went on a boat cruise around Seattle and through the lochs to the freshwater side of the Seattle area. Lars the bartender was a craftsman and handled our requests with ease. Great views of the downtown. We exited the boat and walked to a trolley and took it to somewhere in the downtown area. A decision was made to get over to the pier where we started and eat at the dock area. According to our most gifted friend Google we were 1.3 miles from our goal. With all the walking done so far L-4 and L5 discs were trying to cut through my spinal cord. Uber it is. An Uber picked us up and we were on our way. 50 minutes later we were 3/10’s of mile away from our destination. We bailed on the Uber driver and walked the rest of the way. If any of you thinks driving in Chicago or New York is bad wait until you enjoy downtown Seattle. Liberals who are flocking to Seattle to be part of the movement be prepared to live in an ant farm with lots of freeloaders in the nest.
Boarding the Ruby Princess
All 8 of us took a shuttle to Pier 91. Note to shuttle company: Fix the goddamn air conditioning. While on route to the pier we met two married tightly wound up overachievers who within 60 seconds told everyone on the bus their iron man triathlon adventures, the work they do, and all of the 60 excursions they were going to take on the cruise. I was so glad she was a vegan. After I told her I didn’t like fiber in my diet our conversation ended.
Princess was allowing boarding on the Ruby from 1pm until 4 pm with push off exactly at 4 pm. I had some real reservations about the boarding of 3000 people in this timeframe. All of us were stunned by the efficiency and speed of this process. The TSA needs to visit this facility and see what the gold standard is in boarding happy travelers might look like. I don’t think it took more than 15 minutes to go from luggage drop off to getting our passports back with our personalized room keys which also acted as a charge card during the trip. As we boarded, they took pictures of us and coordinated them with the room key. When you went to buy a drink, your pic showed up on their screen. Keeps theft to zero. Is there any reason why this can’t be done with the charge cards we use in our day to day life? Boarding Process: A++++ simply spectacular
Our Room on the Ruby Princess
We had a balcony room on the 14th floor (Riviera Deck). It was about 120 square feet. The balcony was very nice with two chairs and a table overlooking the ocean with access via a patio door. Extra clean and just adequate for two people. The bathroom was a different thing all together. There was a three-inch step up into the bathroom. I kept banging my head on the sink counter when bending to retrieve my pants after toilet use. The shower was tiny even for a chipmunk sized passenger. While spinning around to get some soap off, the curtain would fall outside the shower and the floor would flood. I dare any two people to join the 14th floor club using that bathroom.
The bed was extremely comfortable and during the trip we left the patio door open all night a few times. The sound of the ship cutting through the water was relaxing. Room: B cause of the tiny can.
The Ship
It was something to behold. Every square inch was spotless. Loaded with bars and restaurants, pools, theatre, outside movie area, and more. There were all kinds of things to do about every minute of the day. I chose eating as my activity. There was a daily gathering of the LGBTQ persuasion in one bar at the rear of the ship. How appropriate. For a group looking for inclusion it appeared that this gathering was exclusive. Ship: A+
The McFood
I’ll start with the trough area. Just about all day long the buffet was available. Breakfast became lunch which became dinner. There was ample seating and our group of eight often sat together. There were many choices to pick from so I tried them all. I must take the time to heap praises on the rolls and bread and the real butter. They were carbofabulous. I found the desserts to be a little repetitious after the first 3 or 4 examples. Trough eating: B+
There was also sit-down dining at two really pleasant settings called Michelangelo and the DaVinci. All dinners there consisted of an appetizer, salad and soup, a potato or rice thing, beef, fish, prawns (they used the word prawns but that is a considerable stretch) and other items. Also included was a choice of several desserts. Thursday night was lobster dinner day. After you ate one you could get another and another. My first lobster looked like it was boiled in its own fecal sac. There was lots of brown on it. My brother in law ate it to prove that I was being ridiculous. The abdominal pain and IV fluids he was given later did little to dampen his spirits (this is fiction). I ordered a second tail and it looked like a jellyfish on the sand. Translucent lobster tail is not appealing. After declining the second tail, I ate my rice and kept quiet. Sit-down dinners: B+ due to the raw lobster affair.
Wait staff was really nice and accommodating. The Ukrainians were a little stoic with a mad look on their face. This is a genetic process. The rest of the world representatives were charming. The major take away was that these people enjoy their work and also their employer. Grade: A+
The Bartenders
Having a huge, tireless liver, I tested the various bars with great expectations. Many times, there was only one bartender when a few more were required. I found that they would wait on the men well before they would wait on a woman who had been at the bar much longer. Many were not familiar with some common drinks. Not friendly overall and really slow. I would have spent much more money on drinks but it was often too irritating to go through the process. Bartenders: D-
Entertainment
Not ever having been on a cruise before I wondered what to expect. There was a comic named Carl Oscar who was a riot. It took a little time to deal with the manic pace of his deliveries but once in the comfy zone it was great. I’m sure he’ll be on TV or HBO if he hasn’t already. We also saw a musical and other singers. The length of the shows was just right. There is a casino onboard that I helped finance. The sand in the KY jelly. Entertainment: B+ (I always penalize when there is a ventriloquist involved).
Excursions
Our first stop was in Juneau which is the capital of Alaska. How many cities and especially state capitals cannot be driven to or from? You cannot drive to or from Juneau by road. You must use a 1000-yard-long ship or an airplane. A perfect place for government. We boarded a tour bus and off we went to the Mendenhall Glacier. It’s a hunk of snow that ends by water. There was a one mile walk to get really close. Many in our crew including me are gimpy and a two-mile round trip walk to the glacier was a bit hurtful. Upon returning from the glacier we found that the best view of the entire scene was from the steps of the mobile home/toilets. This was just a few steps from where the bus dropped us off. I could have avoided taking 50,000 mg of Advil but who needs kidneys. We were told that we had to be on the bus no later than 4:30 pm or we would be left behind. There were two monkeys who were late and they were booed when they boarded. This was instigated by me as I have no boundaries.
Next call was a place that had flowers and a hill. The claim to fame was trees planted in the ground with their roots up. Flowers are then added to the upside-down roots and there you have it. PS: There are no shortage of trees in Alaska.
We also stopped at a salmon hatchery which was very cool. They had built a series of concrete ladders and the dying adult salmon make 
their way up to the hatchery where they chop the fish open to harvest the eggs and milt and make new tiny fish. They make Little Friskies from the donors. Like just after the wedding ceremony. They place the hundreds and thousands of fingerlings into the open water where as many as 99% are eaten by other predators. The success rate here resembles marriages in the United States.
The Ruby Princess was off to Skagway, Alaska. In Skagway we had booked a train ride from the pier right up to a mountain pass where the gold
rush folk used to traverse. At times the side of the train was only about 2 feet from the edge of the cliff. Along the way there were some wrinkled train cars littered down in the canyons hundreds of feet below the track. It gave us all some confidence that we were riding on a 100-year-old train and tracks.
Next part of the trip was to cruise around the Glacier National Park with the endpoint being over 1200 miles from Seattle. The best way to describe the event is to look at the pictures that go with this article. There were whales everywhere and they respected the ship by staying away from the wake. We enjoyed our balcony in our room to view the wondrous scenery in its abundance. This was a total gluten free experience.
From Glacierville we sailed to Ketchikan. Gladys and her brother and sister in law went to a lumberjack show while I correctly stayed on the ship and ate a side of beef. They said they had fun but I know it was a lie. A $50 per person lie.
From Ketchikan we went to Victoria, British Columbia, Canada. Two of our gang, Helmut and Winifred, went into the city and the rest of us had a great dinner at DaVinci’s on the ship. It was our best sit-down dinner of the trip. Helmut and Winifred missed the best dinner.
Excursions: B+
Later that night we took off from Victoria to go back to Seattle. We were due there by 7am. This was Friday evening and when we got back to the room, I used the bathroom to disembark the side of beef. Gadzooks! I had reached this far on the trip without humiliating myself but you gotta know I wasn’t getting away Scott free. Gladys called the room steward to let him know I plugged the toilet. When he entered the room, I hung my head in shame like Al Bundy with the newspaper under his arm. Gladys hid on the balcony to curtail the overwhelming embarrassment. Bad stuff always happens in Canadian waters.
When we awoke the next morning, we were in Seattle.
Disembarkation
Smooth as silk we exited the ship at our appointed times. Our luggage was already at the airport by the time we stepped off the gangway. Major homerun by the Princess Cruise Lines. Final Grade: A.
On a side note, our luggage arrived home with us on the plane we were on. I’m fairly sure that this happened by accident since Delta Airlines was involved.
The Epilogue
While our plane was in turbulence for the first two hours, I reflected on being a privileged white male. Yep, that’s me. I wondered if Raji was going to have my bath drawn at the proper temperature when I got back to the estate.
Special thanks to Helmut and Winifred, Siegfried and Gwyneth, and Max and Zelda our traveling companions who went with the flow. (speaking of flow, I believe flow has been restored in Room R250).
Bon Voyage,
Bobby and Gladys