Advice from Bobby Life Coach La Douche’
Bobby La Douche’ is an uncredentialed, untrained life coach. He is however an observer of the obvious.
Dear Mr. La Douche’,
I’ve never sought out advice before but I’m at wits end. Next week is Halloween and since my single daughter is in rehab, I’m in charge of the costumes for her three children. All three have different fathers and they are not in the picture. The oldest is Kalief, the second oldest is Ortega and the youngest is Henrich. My goal is not to offend anyone by their costumes and make sure its all pc. They all have their own ideas but the choices are just not good. I admire your ability to be helpful so what would you do Bobby?
Thank you,
Dean Johnson
Dear Mr. Johnson,
First off Dean, get your daughter on birth control for Christ sake. It isn’t 1492 it’s 2019. If she is not gifted enough to take a pill daily then get her a supply of morning after pills. This will protect her and you as she dances through the United Nations with her legs wide open. A wealthy dad would spring for the tubal ligation. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
Now on to the costumes. I’m not the PC guru you must think I am. When I think of costumes for Halloween my mind takes me to things that are scary or funny or both. I don’t concern myself with offending people because they are full of shit. So here goes.
Kalief needs to go with the flow. I will assume that he is excitable and has anger issues. I’m thinking Arab head piece and robe. Something light in color to accentuate the dark bomb vest with simulated hand trigger. Make sure that trigger is bright red and the vest has plenty of pockets for the C-4. If this doesn’t feel right to you then go with a sword and a human head with the attire. Either of these will be great fun.
Ortega can be very simple yet meaningful. Have him wear a green fluorescent vest over a long sleeve shirt. A pair of sound deadening earphones along with a strap on leaf blower and viola he’s a landscaper. Simple and will get him used to his future career.
Heinrich needs to get back to his roots (the Third Reich). My first suggestion is Hitler. Comb his hair on an angle and put the classic standalone Hitler mustache in place. Plain brown long sleeve shirt and brown pants is a must for this ensemble. A black swastika on a red armband would be classic. Dean, you may feel that this is pushing the envelope so another option for Heinrich would be to do the well-received and always humorous blackface.
I hope that I have been helpful Mr. Johnson. It will be very easy and you will enjoy your holiday if you just relax and heed Bobby’s advice.
Happy Halloween,
Bobby Boo La Douche’