The Christmas Letter 2019
By Bobby Noel La Douche’
Merry Christmas to all of our friends and family. All four of you are burned into our thoughts and memories for this very splendid year of 2019. As with most of my conversations after retirement I would like to share with you my medical issues and a thorough review of my medications. Perhaps we could discuss how you affect my health. My last day of work was February 28th and on March 1st my blood pressure dropped 400 points. I actually felt my abdominal aortic aneurysm shrink. I will proceed with my maladies list from head to toe. Torn retina with air bubble still bouncing around in left eye. Carotid artery disease. Neck pain and spasm. Left and right shoulder pain. Old heart attack and open-heart bypass surgery. Lumbar spinal stenosis and facet disease with raging back pain. Enlarged prostate the size of Alaska and just as jagged. Pulsating hemorrhoids. Deep rectal itch. Right and left hip pain. Torn meniscus both knees. Left foot plantar fasciitis. Shingles. High Cholesterol. Night soiling.
Here are the issues with Gladys. The dermatologist has burned 1000 things off her skin. Rather haphazardly I believe. Neck pain requiring a back scratch from husband to alleviate. I have questions about this. Back pain. Thumbs joints are full of arthritis and very painful. There is a myriad of other problems which call for 100-200 various ointments and cremes. She has dry hair, fungus and loves to point out my failures and misadventures clearly, specifically and with molecular precision.
I had to buy a Chevy Suburban to pick up our monthly prescriptions.
Gladys and I propped up the neighborhood Walgreens into high net margin status. Store of the year for 5 years running. Our pictures are on the pharmacy wall just behind the very courteous clerk named Laquita.
Before you start comparing your medical shit with ours don’t go there. This is my letter and you can sprinkle your medical download on your letter while you tell me about your vacations and brilliant children and grandchildren. Please spare no details. Did you get real butter on your cruise to Tahiti? The weather was beautiful in Tuscany during your afternoon expresso and fresh baked rolls wasn’t it. Your child, an idiot savant, played the piano at the Radio City Music Hall in New York to 2000 deaf children. Your daughter is lecturing at MIT about the efficacy of using neutrinos to fuel todays automobiles and airplanes. You won $800,000 in Vegas outsmarting the Rain Man. Your son is the only person in history to make a working Star Wars lightsaber from banana peels, matches and feces. And last but not least your virgin granddaughter is with child. Second time in history. Best confer with Pope Francis on this.
My son Hannibal has just finished his law degree in prison. Some kids borrow money by the tens of thousands to get their degree but my son was smart enough to get a free education just by murdering a blind homeless person for half a baloney sandwich. The prison is really packed so he should be getting released very soon by flamingly liberal governor. He has already secured financing to start up his practice in Manhattan via funding from the ACLU and the “Let’s Start Over and Over Coalition for Criminals.”
We hope to have our daughter Monique home for Christmas but the counselors have to approve her absence from “the facility”.
I love spending this time being able to share my problems and victories with you. Keep sending me your victories and bragging rights about everything each Christmas because I never hear from you otherwise.
Christ is coming!
Bobby and Gladys La Douche’