How the My Sharona-19 Virus Started

By Bobby Pulitzer La Douche’

According to my sources in Wuhan China the very first animal to human transmission of the My Sharona-19 virus happened on October 25 th , 2019, when a food market vendor named Feng Shui had inadvertently eaten bat guano which he thought were Chow Mein noodles. The bats were resting overhead in Feng’s hut/place of business and when his back was turned the bat droppings fell onto his lunch of insects, rice, and chicken eyeballs. Within 3 days Feng was boiling in sweat, mucous discharges, and a very bad dry cough. He was due to sell his chickens and panda filets at the Wuhan Fall Fest Market the following weekend but Feng had to check his policies and procedures manual which was located at the back of the hut next to the hole in the ground which served as the crapper and dining area. Much to his surprise he had used the sick leave policy sheets to pat down his slippery buttocks after a traumatic chicken beak digestion issue. For some unknown reason there was no toilet paper to buy in Wuhan for the last few weeks. Since Feng was a single person operation, he decided to sell his products without regard to potential violations of his own policies. No ticky no
washy as they say in Wuhan.

On November 1 st Feng pulled his wooden cart with the one and a half wheels to the market center. His robust juicy sneezing had left a cloud of virus about a block wide. He set up his chickens and panda filets while he covered his products with droplets of virus with each hack and bark. This market is known as a “wet market”. Why you may ask?
Because they actively slaughter the critters, they are selling right in front of you. So, blood and other cool stuff is flying around into the crowd. But how did Mr. Shui infect so many? First and foremost, there  is no manual on sanitation in this 1000AD throwback rumpus room. Some call it a lesson on culture and I call it a shithole. Here is the key component.

Hundreds of pinheaded tourists often travel to these markets to see what it was like in the middle ages. As they gather up
the viruses and the bacteria on everything they own and themselves they head back to their planes and ships and give this gift to everyone. Crews travel from ship to ship and plane to plane. And on and on. This is what it means to have a global economy. We can all share Feng Shui’s bat guano. They call it the six shits of separation.

For your math people out there here, it is.

Mr Feng Shui ingests bat feces. (A)
You lose all your IRA or 401K money. (B)
No toilet paper to be had anywhere. (C)
A equals B
B equals C
Therefore, A equals C

And you thought that you’d never use Geometry again.

You can count on truthful reporting at crapmagazine.com. This is our
pledge.
Bobby Pulitzer La Douche’