Crapmagazines Advice Corner
I recently received a letter from a reader who is asking for my help and guidance during a trying time for them. (We’ll get to the them part soon enough) Below is the letter as received.
Dear Mr. La Douche’,
Many people are celebrating June as the Pride month for the LGBTQ+ community. I cannot enjoy it as much as I should be able to. I am a transgender woman although I still have my penis and testicles. I’ve been on hormone therapy for years and my breasts are really quite luscious although I do have to pluck large hairs out of them. I have gone through so much and have calculated every step of this process patiently. I have been troubled of late as to what pronouns I should except when describing myself. Should I be they or them or her or she. I struggle with what bathroom I should use. So much pressure to fit in my community. I want to lead people like me to common ground for the better good. I cry all day long and fight the depression of being me. Bobby, can you give me the guidance and wisdom to move forward in my time of great need?
Sobbing in Seattle,
Leslie
Dear Leslie,
Your name worked out for you in this case. Good for you. I just don’t know where to start. Let’s deal with Pride month. Look up the definition of pride. It talks about accomplishment and achievements. Being gay is not an accomplishment. Being bisexual is not an accomplishment. Being a lesbian is not an accomplishment. Being a heterosexual is not an accomplishment. Pride month is just bullshit. Here’s where the rubber meets the road. You are not a transexual women until you get your nuts and wee wee chopped off. And even then, that’s up for interpretation. No ovaries? No vagina? You are just some guy who had a terrible surgical mishap. Kaitlyn Jenner is now a transexual woman. But she is attracted to women. So, is she a lesbian women or a transexual man who is straight? I can’t begin to keep up with this shit. Are you attracted to men or women? If you are attracted to women then you should keep your penis and balls because they are more fun and useful than the funky women parts some dipshit surgeon will make for you as you move towards the flower of womanhood. If you are attracted to men, are they gay men or straight men? This could all change with the removal of the parts. Either way you are a fucked up hot mess. The least of your worries are pronouns. I have come up with the pronoun that will work for everybody concerned about pronouns and that is the word ASSHOLE. If this is what concerns you than you are an asshole. Example: Asshole lit her cigarette and stormed out of the meeting as asshole experienced menstrual cramping even though asshole had no uterus. As far as selecting a bathroom I suggest one with a stall and running water. How hard is that. Leslie, I suggest that you stand on your own two feet and look down between your cleavage at your penis and decide which of them will be staying. I’m sure the answer will come to you. Also you should refer to yourself as asshole.
Bobby La Douche’
Uncertified Life Coach of the Stars
“I’m here for you”