The Not to Do List
By Bobby Pitfall La Douche’
As we age there are experiences that help us navigate better outcomes in the future. We are literally a pile of bad decisions and a ball of tissue with legs and arms (hopefully) and a brain no matter how primitive it might be. For those folks who have sent me letters for advice I’ve become increasingly aware of the general stupidity of those around me. So being a writer for the people I have developed this Not to Do List for my readers to help them make better choices when opportunities arise. These items are in random order like the universe.
Do not flush the “flushable” butt clean-up towelettes down the toilet unless you enjoy the idea of a sewage back up. According to plumbers, many of them whom I spoke to personally say, although advertised as degradable and flushable they are not. I just saved you hundreds of dollars. This goes for Kleenex too. Firsthand experience here.
Do not get the shingles vaccine and the High Dose flu shot the same day. Both of your shoulders will ache for a few days and if you are lucky like me you will get almost all of the Covid symptoms from this double deal. Next stop is waiting in a long line of idiots getting their Covid test because they won’t get the vaccine.
While in the airport bathrooms don’t pull your carry-on luggage too close to the urinal as your spray travels backwards up to three feet. Although this will allow you to have your luggage screened for diabetes.
Never refuse sedation for any medical or dental procedure that offers it no matter what it is.
Following the last item on the list, never refuse a prescription for pain killers, ever. This will come in handy at the Assisted Living portion of your life. In a related item discard the statement on the script which tells you not to mix with alcohol. Pure fantasy.
Don’t ever let Joe Biden drive you anywhere.
Never put anything together that you can pay someone else to do it for you. Did you ever try and put a gas grill together by yourself?
Don’t think that you have a better travel route than your cell phone and Google can give you.
Don’t believe a cardboard sign that says “Will work for food”. Either give them nothing or money or be prepared to have your child abducted.
Never believe that the soup you ordered is homemade. It comes from Sysco in a 10-gallon bag.
Never go into Assisted Living. Next stop Nursing Home/death. Now you can use all those painkillers you’ve been hoarding to stop the madness.
Never have plastic surgery in Mexico.
No matter what the style is, don’t let anyone make your ass bigger.
Never rent a place where they tell you air conditioning is not needed because of the constant breezes.
They are currently pushing green burials. No embalming fluid, no casing around the body, just put it the ground where nature can eat you all up. The Nazi’s did this even more efficiently years ago by burying hundreds at a time in one hole.
Just because it’s on Netflix doesn’t mean it’s good.
Hiking IS a bad idea. Rock climbing Is a worse idea. Hiking to go rock climbing is the worst idea.
Going on a vacation where you have to carry your canoe and bury your own poop is not fun no matter what the brochure says.
For you generals out there. Don’t go past the president and talk to Chinese generals on the side. This is very bad.
The Big Lebowski is not a good movie.
Never give anyone the benefit of the doubt. Your initial assumptions were correct.
Today’s Special was moldy two days ago.
Never encourage your children to follow their dreams. Their dreams never pay well and will cost you a nervous breakdown.
Never consider breast reduction surgery. This is a crime against humanity.
Cryptocurrency is not for you.
Never go to a bar where you smell the urinal cake whenever someone goes in or out of the bathroom.
Never split the bill.
According to the H Doctrine, never pay a tip on the sales tax portion of your restaurant bill.
Do not invest in a vintage Chrysler K car.
Don’t buy m&m knockoffs. Live a little.
Fat free anything is crap. Fat free cheese doesn’t melt at 2000 degrees F.
Contrary to what you think your child will not be playing professional sports. The faster you realize this the sooner you will enjoy your kids’ games.
Never take your eye off of Germany. They killed millions of people a few years back. Thanks to Norm McDonald for bringing this back to my attention in his last stand-up show.
Never follow the fashion trends of North Korea. This is especially important for Hillary Clinton to take note of.
It pains me to say this but don’t waste money to see Clint Eastwood’s new movie Cry Macho. Yikes. Clint is 91 years old and it shows brutally. 104 minutes that seemed like a decade. (Incidentally Macho is a rooster who is the best part of the movie).
Never help anyone move if you are over 40. Tell your kids, relatives, and friends ASAP. Remind them regularly so they don’t embarrass themselves when they forget and ask you anyway.
Never address Kamala Harris as Chlamydia Harris. However, privately this is quite a bit of fun.
Don’t get a pit bull. The two Ls on bull stand for lawsuit. They are not misunderstood. They are the most understood dog ever. After your pit bull rips the face off your granddaughter, you’ll get it. A side note: No home owner’s insurance will insure a pit bull.
Don’t have children before you are married. Very uncool now but it’s solid.
Don’t eat anything that feeds off the bottom of the ocean. Nothing but poop down there.
Don’t spend a lot of time fretting about your weight. We all fit into the same size urn.
No matter what the party, never vote for a presidential candidate with dementia. 60% of America did. That’s reassuring is it not.
Never get talked out of a Twinkie. Time is of the essence.
Never ever retire and start working a part time job before you fully understand the beauty of no master. If you need money that bad maybe you shouldn’t have retired. If you are just bored than look at your miserable boring SELF and make some 4th quarter adjustments. Christ, why do I have to do all the heavy lifting.
And finally: “Nobody but nobody eats ketchup on a hotdog” Dirty Harry
Bobby Pitfall La Douche’
Next rightful Archduke of Austria