Current Affairs

By Bobby Wilhelm La Douche’

Wanted: Dedicated Diaper Changer. Position requires a top-secret clearance as you will be changing the diaper of the President of the United States and cleaning his buttocks. Advanced competency in managing diaper rash a plus. In addition, you will be running the domestic and international aspects of the United States government and projecting an image of power and security. The employer would prefer an unregistered alien of either Hispanic or Iranian descent. It is preferred that you can identify some countries on a globe. People with advanced knowledge of the writings of Karl Marx and Chairman Mao are strongly urged to apply. Education required: GED from Ukraine or equivalent. Advanced belief of repudiation of the Holocaust. Benefits: Willing to accept 26 weeks of paid family leave per year. Free child care, free transportation and food reimbursement for entire family up to 3rd cousins. Housing provided. A full pension is provided after 3 months of service. People with severe mental and physical disabilities are encouraged to apply.

Biden asks for a one-month moratorium on human farting. In an effort to reduce greenhouse gases such as methane, President Biden is asking the American public not to fart in the month of December 2021. A committee formed by climatologists made the suggestion which was wholeheartedly embraced by the Biden team. Biden has asked GM, Ford, and other military contractors to start producing corks 24/7 in order to get them out to the public for the December 1 start date. Corks will be brought by limousine to the underserved areas around the country. Along with the corks, experts say to eat a very bland diet and stock up on Beano. People with compromised colons will be exempt.

Bill Clinton update: It was confirmed by the bathroom attendant, Riesa Márquez, at the headquarters of the Clinton Global Initiative Center that former President Clinton’s penis is crooked. That makes the number of women confirming this at 25671.

One of the best lyrics ever is from a Tom Petty song: “I’m a loser at the top of my game.”

TV size? Yes, size matters. What is the appropriate size for a tv? Crapmagazine’s research staff has determined that the 70-inch screen gives you life size people to look at. There you have it.

Movie Review: I’ll See You in My Dreams with Blythe Danner and Sam Elliott. I’ve only got a few gallons of gas left in the tank so I have to pick my trips carefully. This trip was to a dead-end street. In the first three minutes of the movie Blythe has to put her dog Hazel down. She lost her husband Bill 20 years prior in an accident. She meets a new Bill (Sam Elliott} and they have a few dates and things are magical. He croaks. Yikes! She ends up getting another dog at the pound. End of movie. This movie gets 5 heaping, steaming, piles of crap.

Jeopardy the TV game show: The last white show in America. How many African Americans have you seen on this program? Does BLM notice this? Jeopardy needs to revamp the categories by adding wigs and fingernails in the mix. Then you’ll see some equality. I axe you to protest.

Gladys and I were at a Florida beachfront hotel recently. We were sitting near the pool and looking at the pounding ocean. There were several manatees, I mean women, in the pool smoking weed in a blue glass pipe. They laughed as they passed the pipe around. A drink of beer, a pull on the pipe. Way to keep it classy America!

Bobby La Douche’

Giving a shit since 1954