By Bobbie W-2 La Douche’
The reason why the unemployment rate is at an all-time low is because we all have become employees during an insidious step-by-step indoctrination process. Regular company employees are so bad, evil, unfriendly, discourteous, or obviously on the spectrum, that you beg for the opportunity check yourself out. I currently work at Walmart, Sams Club, Lowes, Home Depot, Aldi, McDonalds, Kwik Trip, and all the food stores. While I’m still in training, I did succeed in how to utilize my military service discount at Lowes the other day. I brought my purchase to the self-checkout and there was no other Lowes employee there. I welcomed myself and asked if I found everything I needed. I said yes. I scanned my weed killer and asked myself if I qualified for the military service discount. Why yes, I do, I said. I entered my phone number and selected the proper box on the screen. Then I was instructed to scan the barcode on my driver’s license. With the 10% discount applied the screen inquired about my receipt. Do I want it e-mailed, texted or printed? Well, if I stop myself while I leave the store to check for a valid purchase, I will need the printed receipt. I think I’ll take the printed receipt I said. I asked myself if I wanted to bag the item but it had a nice handle so I said not necessary. With receipt in one hand and the weed killer in another I left the store via the exit doors. I said thank you for shopping at Lowes and went to my car.
When you find yourself ordering food at McDonalds at the kiosk don’t get huffy right away. Probably the most user friendless kiosk ever. As you start to sweat at the mechanism and when you finally get to the payment part of the transaction and realize that you ordered 7 of everything you must start over. If you think that blows, just try and change your Coke to diet coke. Again, nobody is there to help.
Aldi is a store that has its mothership in Germany. It has a Hitler sense of urgency. The regular employees work against the clock in everything they do. They get timed for every check out. If a customer gets the protocols out of order when checking out, they get banished to an unknown camp in Poland for reconditioning. If you put your credit card in too soon or too late, oh boy, you don’t want to know. Your employment starts when you put a quarter in the shopping cart and yank it off the chain so you can use it. If you want your quarter back you must return the cart to the lock up. The carts are always returned and I don’t know if it’s the quarter or the threat of extermination that makes this happen. I don’t like to go there because I get diarrhea from the nervous condition it causes.
The Walmart Neighborhood Store is my best employer. The store we utilize started with about 6 self-checkouts and 8 regular service lanes. It now has 24 self-checkouts and 3 regular service lanes. In order to become efficient, I took a self-study course on line so I could become a better employee. It was a 4-credit course and cost me $1600. One sure way to find trouble is to ask the single real employee who supervises the 24 lanes on how to get a price on a whole watermelon when it wasn’t populated in the computer by the IT folk. This starts a landslide of management until they bring in the exhumed body of Sam Walton to make a decision.
This employment started years ago when they made you pump your own gas and vacuum your own car. Here is a list of pertinent questions for you to ask the actual employee of these various stores about your employment status.
How long do we have to work here before I can sign up for the 401K?
Does the company have a 401K match?
When do I get my evaluation?
Why don’t I remember applying for a job here?
Can I talk to the manager about the poor service I gave myself during today’s visit?
How much vacation do I earn each quarter?
When do I qualify for the employee discount?
What is the employee discount?
When do I become eligible for health insurance?
Does the company have babysitting onsite?
Any stock options?
Are there regular COLA increases?
When do you become eligible for college credit reimbursement?
What is the dress code for workers?
Is it alright if I have piercings and tattoos over 97% of your body?
Is it ok if I don’t work on Fridays, I have pickleball?
Do we get our W-2’s early in January?
Could you show me the way to the employee breakroom?
That’s a wrap.
Bobby Pee Pee Face La Douche’