La Douche’ Comes Alive
Before we get too far let’s start with an amusing little story. Across the street from my son’s house there lives a young lady who has befriended a squirrel, flaming yellow teeth and all. She has named him Artie. She lets him climb all over her, pooh poohing the chance of rabies. She feeds him a lot. You can tell it’s Artie because he is quite a bit plumper than Arties outside sidekicks. He spends most of his time inside a large arborvitae right outside the front door. She comes out and makes a squeaky noise and Artie bounces to her in a moment. It’s very touching to see humans bonding with disease ridden rodents. Artie has even been in her house just like Christmas at the Griswold’s. So, I’ve made up a little poem to honor the relationship between man and squirrel. Not moose and squirrel.
Ode to Artie
Artie was a squirrel who lived across the street
I could see him frolic from my living room seat
His mamma always gave him his treat
He got real fat and sweet
I want to shoot him and eat his meat
Please, please do not delete
Understanding a Geezer
By Bobby Turkey Neck LaDouche’
Gladys and I live in The Villages, Florida. One hour north of Orlando you will find the oldest population in the US with a median age of 68. About 50% of the population are geezers. The following resource is printed here for free to enable you, the regular citizen, to better understand what the hell goes on here. Here are the basic definitions of various geezer combinations. It will be instrumental to understand especially as you witness geezer behavior. Many geezers have several of these behaviors and are usually quite annoying.
Geezer: A person who is 70 years old or older Undiagnosed Geezer: A person who is younger than 70 but acts like a geezer.
Geezer Savant: A geezer who does one thing very well and is a shambles with everything else.
Hair Dye Geezer: A male geezer who dyes his hair and it also colors his scalp and age spots.
Oblivious Geezer: This is the geezer who stops in the doorway at the grocery store to unknowingly keep others from entering.
Crip Geezer: Look for handicapped tag on the mirror of his vehicle in the parking spot. Help them unload various devices such as walker, electric scooter, or crutches.
Asshole Crip Geezer: Same as above but with no handicap. Using spouses crip tag.
Circulation Impaired Geezer: Wears winter coat when it 80 degrees out.
Cheap Geezer: Most all of them.
Entitled Geezer: A geezer who believes his age gets him the privilege to skip in line.
Happy Hour Geezer: These geezers drink booze and eat dinner at 3:30 pm.
Line Dancing Geezer: Perhaps the most irritating of geezers. They all think everybody wants to watch them endlessly.
Flatulent Geezer: Every time they stand up, they fart, or in combination with a fart with every step. Anus is like wet toilet paper.
Food Order Geezer: Takes 30 minutes to tell wait staff what they want from the menu because of the litany of questions they have.
Story Teller Geezer: This person tells you the same stories every time you get together and is completely unaware that you’ve heard them all hundreds of times.
Gold Chain Geezer: A male geezer who has thick gold chains knotted up in his abundant chest hair.
Orange Geezer: Except for Trump, these are usually bleach blond female geezers who have orange tans and thousands of wrinkles.
Ben Hogan Geezers: These geezers use wooden golf clubs.
Skin Cancer Geezers: You can identify these geezers because of all the Band-Aids they have on their nose or face. Clothing properly covers every molecule of skin they have.
Worried Geezers: These geezers always wear respiratory face masks wherever they are inside or out, in a golf cart, or on a bike ride.
Rx Geezers: Geezers who spend half their life in a Walgreens pharmacy line.
No Style Geezers: These are geezers who wear clothes they’ve had since 1950. Like perhaps a skin tight faded plaid button down shirt with yellow stains under the arms and a couple holes in it.
McGeezers: These geezers go to McDonalds every weekday at exactly the same time for their free coffee and when combined with the entitled geezers they will walk right in front of you in line and demand the coffee. They group together at “their” table and talk loudly for a few hours constantly repeating themselves as they are all deaf.
Scratch Off Geezers: These people are found in line obstructing people who wish to buy their Diet Mountain Dew and get out by buying and scratching off their lottery tickets in front of the clerk.
Coach Geezers: Geezers that put a coach roof on their Cadillacs and Buicks. Usually depreciates the car by thousands.
Financial Guru Geezers: These geezers believe it when people tell them over a free dinner that they can get a 15% return on their money guaranteed. Children of Financial Guru Geezers are usually the most disappointed.
Covid Geezers: Not many left.
European Geezers: These geezers wear speedos and or tall black socks with sandals.
Southern Geezers: Wear stained wife beater shirts and have a very saggy confederate flag tattoo.
I’ll Die at Home Geezers: These are geezers that firmly believe that God will be kind to them and let them die at home on their own terms.
Bonanza Geezers: These geezers watch Bonanza on TV Land and believe that Lorne Green, Pernell Roberts and Dan Blocker had their own hair.
Many Bonanza Geezers are also Financial Guru Geezers.
Wallet Geezers: These geezers pay for everything including plane tickets, vacations, cars, toys, schools, clothes and Nikes. This is the opposite of the run of the mill Geezer.
Frugal Geezers: Same as the Cheap Geezer except that they actually have money.
Pontificating Geezers: How can you tell? Look at the people they are talking to and if they are rolling their eyes, you got yourself a PG.
Snobby Geezer: Drives a Bently convertible and has perfect hair.
LW Geezer: While there are only 10 of these geezers still alive, they manage to find a Lawrence Welk rerun on PBS and enjoy it. Perhaps the saddest of all geezers.
Lasix Geezer: These folk, plan their entire day around peeing. Makingplans with these geezers will be restricted.
Colon Geezer: Only thing these geezers do is focus on their bowel movements. There is usually an announcement to all that the subject is heading to the toilet. They are more than happy to discuss at length the pre and post bowel movement rituals. 10% of people over 65, die on the crapper.
Crapmagazine.com has petitioned the Development District of The Villages to rename The Villages, Crapville in honor of its most famous citizen, Bobby La Douche’.