Takes a Licking and keeps on Ticking
(La Douche’ tenet: Sometimes people don’t die because they haven’t suffered
enough yet}
Timeline
December 30th, 2025: 10 pm: Just drove back from Orlando airport. About the time we get off the turnpike I tell Gladys that I should go to the ER the next morning. Chest pain and fullness reaching up my neck and into my ears. Gladys states firmly we are going now. This is a UF standalone ER with connections to a couple UF hospitals in the Villages area. I get into a room. I update the nurse and doctor as to my symptoms. They check enzyme levels a couple times and do other lab work. I have type A flu. Had the flu shot in October and that worked well. The ER doc comes in and says were sending you home. See your cardiologist very soon. Before I left, I reiterated that my symptoms were exactly the same as when I had my first heart attack 16 years earlier. Got home about 4 am on New Years eve.
December31 st , 2025: 1 pm: Chest pain is now really bad. Gladys summons the ambulance and they arrive very quickly which is amazing since everybody here is practically in hospice. IV started, monitor placed, and my fat ass is hauled out to the ambulance. Neighbors gather for entertainment. EMT gives me a nitro tablet for under my tongue and the pain begins to relax, which is another sign that you are having a heart attack. Off we go to UF Leesburg Hospital. EMT’s haul the cart into the staging area. It looks like the entire police department is there. A few people were handcuffed to their gurneys. The prisoner parked next to me in the hall was actively urinating in his pants and it was dripping onto the
floor. Not exactly Club Med. After an hour or so I was taken into an exam room. The poor EMT’s had to wait a long time to report and get their gurney back. Lab work done and I am placed into the lobby waiting room as I’m having this cardiac event. Next, chest x-ray. They had me walk to the x-ray room from the lobby. Got back to ER exam room a couple hours later. Doc says you are having a heart attack. Started heparin IV to keep the clots from forming and become therapeutic. Taken to hospital room where very kind people got me set up in my bed. Gladys was keeping her eyes on everything going on. I had a message board in front of my bed on the wall which provided the names of nurses, blood pokers and aides which were there to help me. In the lower half of the board was a blank spot for messages. I dragged my IV pole over to the message board to look for the magic marker. I needed to leave my message which was “Don’t kill me.” Ambulance to hospital room was 7 hours. Blood draws every hour or two along with blood pressures and pulse ox all night long. IV pump was beeping every few minutes and the nurses came in promptly to reset.
January 1st, 2026: New people on message board. I had been therapeutic on heparin since the night before. Next should be the heart catheterization. Should be today on the holiday. I asked anybody who would listen what the plan was. No answers. They kept coming in with stool softeners which I refused. I have an abject fear associated with the horror and humiliation of pooping in a bedpan. No way this was happening on my watch. As it turns out, nobody got called in for my heart cath which would have been the proper procedure. If I was not a Medicare patient they would have done the cath on the holiday. We are having fun now.
January 2nd , 2026. Continue to ask anyone including the trash lady what the plan was. At this point I had not heard or seen my cardiologist or their flunky PA’s. Went for heart cath around 10 am or so. Not exactly sure because I was really sedated. A+ for that and very appreciated. As it turns out they had sucked some clots out of my previous vein bypass from 16 years ago and it had a herniated plaque in it. This could have been done on the 1st . I was sent back to my room with a catheter left in my femoral artery and I had to be flat on my back for 24 hours until I was brought back the next day for more sucking and two stent placements.
January 3rd, 2026: Mission accomplished. Another A+ for the sedation folks. Back to my suite in the cardiac intensive care unit. Again, they brought me some stool softeners which again were not ingested. I figured with the sedation drugs and no crap pills I wouldn’t poop until I was home. A well-
honed and executed plan.
January 4 th , 2026: Never really got the name of the cardiology interventionalist who did the cath and stenting. He spoke to me for one minute while I was still enjoying the meds. I believed the cardiology PA visited me this day but it was brief and worthless. When am I getting out was my question today.
January 5 th , 2026: Nurse comes in to promote a bedpan and or poop on this device that rolled out of the cabinet in my room. A room with only curtains to close it off. I can’t imagine the disgust of my fellow ICU mates if this had happened. I stood my ground and said no. I was taken by wheelchair to an empty patient room with its own bathroom. One small step for a man, one giant leap for the cardiac ICU.
Home, I went.
At the end of January, I got gout on my right big toe. The soreness and pain were exquisite. Also got plantar fasciitis or blood clot on same foot. I come to find out that getting stents placed can bring on the gout. Who knew? Went to GP and got prescription for gout.
Friday, February 13, 2026: I was very short of breath and went to the ER with Gladys. Thankfully not full of police and people in general. I was seen by an ER PA. Say what? She was pretty cocky. They were aware of my recent heart attack and did lab work and chest x-ray. No heart attack was happening. No reason for shortness of breath was found at this time. Sent home in same condition. Told to see my cardiologist ASAP. Did that the following Tuesday. Another PA. Asked PA if the hospital had done the appropriate lab work on me on Friday which should have been a D-Dimer test.
Not done. If you look up shortness of breath on Google under appropriate lab tests its listed right there. I requested the PA to order a D-Dimer blood test and he did. Went to lab and got the blood draw the next morning. At 9:30 pm I got the lab report e-mailed to me. Normal lab value for a 71-year-old La Douche’ is .71. It was 9.75. Yikes!
Wednesday night, February 18th , 2026: Cardiologist on call sends me back to ER. CT of the chest was done and showed blood clots in two lung arteries. Heparin started in triage area and got to a shared room with a shared toilet a few hours later. Walked around with pulmonary emboli since the previous Friday. Could have easily died in the time period. Toilet was not cleaned for three days even though two of us were using it. I found a staff bathroom near the nursing station that I took my IV pole to each time I needed to. I was just waiting somebody to ask me about that. I was ready to rebuff with extreme prejudice. My second roommate was a cockroach. He smelled and looked like he just came from a tent city in LA. He has parasites and is right next to me. In the toilet there was a plastic bowl for him to poop in so they could check what kind of freeloaders he was harboring. He goes in and comes out and doesn’t wash his hands. He talks to the nurse and she goes in and picks up the goods and walks it
right by my face. Gadzooks!
Me and Mr. IV pole leave the room and confront the nurse. The nurses were absolutely wonderful but the strain of me dying from e-coli or black plague made me say “Get me the fuck out of here” for which I apologized for my language immediately. I was discharged in a couple of hours. The nurse put all the pieces together from the Cardiologist (PA), the Hospitalist Doctor and the Pulmonologist and they signed all the needed to.
Home at last with an additional medicine to take. Eliquis. $350 per month. It’s a blood thinner. If you cut yourself shaving it doesn’t stop bleeding until you are very pale. Not a good idea to fall down, climb a latter or play rugby.
My next step is to see a hematologist on May 13 th , to check if my blood clots were from some hideous cancer or a provoked incident like not walking or driving several hours at a time, which in fact was what happened. Currently doing cardiac rehab until May 13 th as well.
Further Commentary
In other matters: Fartimis II went around the moon with what could only be described as a multi-billion dollar test run for the toilet. It failed miserably. I think I saw some corn floating around the capsule. I am assuming that this toilet was designed by the port-o-potty folks. May I suggest that the toilet and toilet user be upside down and let the lack of gravity do the rest.
Dear Iran,
You hairy backed cave dwellers need to start producing more rugs and less oil.
Love,
Donald and Bibi
La Douche’s Hypothesis: There has never been any bigfoot poop found, hence no bigfoot. Case closed. I am sending this to the POOH Detective, Greg Guttfeld.
I hope we can still fart in the afterlife.
Milburn Drysdale is replacing Scott Bessent as Secretary of the Treasury. Mr. Drysdale has a multitude of experience at the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills.
There is a commercial on TV that is from a life insurance company. The man on the commercial states that his father had never been in better shape but died from a stroke. A contradiction if ever I heard one.
I can never recover from watching WTF on HBO. It was a 6-episode dung heap with artsy filming and really weird activities in it by the characters. Jason Bateman was in it and was dancing with another man in their white underwear. It is a tribute to the decline of civilization.
Of all the things that the world needs, I firmly believe we should have more podcasts. This fall I will be starting a podcast called Almost Dead from The Villages.
The pronoun that was used for us in bootcamp by the company commander was dick breath.
It was the Democrats that first used the MAGA acronym. It stood for Make America Gay Again, which they did quite well.
Dear would- be socialists. You are overly concerned about billionaires. In a socialist society there will still be billionaires only they will work for the government. How stupid are you?
It is Mother’s Day today. A hardy thank you from crapmagazine.com to all you mothers out there who did the best they could and continue to irritate their adult children as often as possible.
Timex La Douche’