The Great Hydration Hoax
When you are thirsty you should drink. Today’s human is literally bound by an invisible umbilical cord to their water bottle. Maybe one in each pocket or another on in their stupid back pack. All around you are thousands of plastic and stainless-steel bottles of every size and shape.
Just in case you are teleported to the Sahara Desert and you need a blast of water or electrolytes you will be prepared. I was at the Ortho office the other day and while I was sitting waiting my turn an employee comes to fetch her next patient and he stops to open his water bottle and take a swig before he gets up.
Maybe he thought the temperature would be higher in the patient room or perhaps he was worrying about becoming dehydrated in the next 60 feet. What a load of shit. Who knows when his Harley Davidson water jug was last washed. Probably has a lily pad inside.
Take a chance and leave the house without your bottle. You will be amazed at how many places have water and other fine beverages available.
The Chili’s Deceit
Chili’s restaurants do not serve chili. I had to take another Xanax once I tracked this caper down. My sister and I were enjoying the $10.99 three for and I chose chili for my soup.
“We don’t serve chili anymore.”
I was dumbfounded and sat speechless for quite a while. I dabbed the tears from my eyes and paid the bill.
The Last Selfie
A lady at some national park went to take a selfie with a bear cub. I guess she never heard that where the cub is the mother is not far away. The mother bear killed the women. It’s one of those life lessons that you just don’t get a second chance at.
Miracle at Matty’s Bar and Restaurant
A few weeks ago, my grandson who works at Mattys was approached by a lady. The lady asked him if his name was Connor.
“Yes,” he answered.
She asked him his last name and then asked who his parents were. After the answers were given this magical lady said she was one of his NICU nurses 19 years ago and she knew him by his eyes.
He was born at 1 pound 15 ounces and was in the NICU for 107 days. She hadn’t seen him since then.
Stick that in your there are no miracles pipe and smoke it. Very awesome story for the La Douche’ family.
Picking Your City
I have a stunning revelation for you imbeciles out there. New York City is the most expensive city to live in, in the US. Yet thousands of nonprofessionals and artsy wannabees flock to live there and then piss and moan about their shitty lifestyle.
Needles, feces and bums all around you. Nasty people. Crime everywhere. Good choice.
If you stay alive long enough maybe you can get a knock off Louis Vitton purse and put a $20 pack of cigarettes in it.
La Douche’ gets a Nooner
On August 23, 2026 I slept until noon.
The Balance in Your Life
All you hear about is that you need balance in your life. Too much work, too little sleep, too much booze, and to much interaction with people you don’t like.
I went into my think tank which is a holding of crapmagazine.com called Moronica Inc. to work these balance issues into a smooth takeoff and landing for the unbalanced. The staff was quick to achieve a reliable solution.
I have had great balance in my retirement life which I named the 12/12 solution. Sleep 12 hours a day and maintain consciousness for 12 hours.
The 12-hour sleep period cuts 4 hours off potential clutter and unnecessary interactions. It cuts your daily meals from 3 to 2. The 12-hour time out will keep you from doing things which are upsetting to your friends, spouse or gay lover. Way less anxiety.
Cutting 4 hours off your conscious time can only help your planning to be more efficient in your normal activities. A big plus is you can move duties easily into the next waking period as you have run out of time.
100% Tariff Imposed on crapmagazine.com Readers
Our company is struggling to keep afloat due to the high cost of witty writing. I will impose a tariff to my readers in the amount of $1.00 per year.
Please mail your dollar to:
crapmagazine.com
1234 Milburn Drysdale Blvd.
Beverly Hills, CA 90210
Bobby Mohan La Douche’