Advice from Bobby La Douche’ (uncredentialed life coach)
Dear Mr. La Douche’,
I’ve always found your column helpful and never thought I would be writing you on my behalf. My wife and I have lived in our two-story home independently for over 45 years and recently our children have been after us to get into a one-story home or condo. Our current lot is 2 acres and has been our oasis for all the years we have been here. Even though our laundry is in the basement and the full bath is upstairs we are still doing ok navigating the stairs. We take a shower once a week to keep from having to step over the bathtub and to lower the water bill. I’ve taken over the laundry since my wife Henrietta’s bladder is starting to fall out of her body. She also has had a history of uncontrolled bowel movements and some vision problems. As for myself I do have some medical issues and can’t drive after dark but I feel it’s fair to ask the kids to cut the lawn and clean out the gutters after we raised them in this house. I forgot to mention that one of our kids shovels the snow for us. I will admit that the long gravel driveway can be difficult but we did feed and clothe him for years. The relentless pressure to move is causing much stress for my wife and I. Henrietta recently fell down the stairs after being stirred up by a call from our daughter pleading with us to move and get some help.
Bobby is it too much to ask our heartless kids to help keep us in our home?
Can it be that they have forgotten what we’ve done for them?
Why don’t they understand?
Thank you,
Jim Bob from Cranstonville
Dear Jim Bob,
You have really opened up the gates of hell with this stuff. This is classic let’s destroy the family thinking. Many people your age must have had kids with the idea that they become butlers and maids when you slide into the CRAPPER. I have to make some assumptions but here is my take on your dilemma. First things first. Have somebody sew Henrietta’s bladder back where it belongs and get a diaper on her. While you believe you are independent you have become the fish in a dirty tank that require regular feedings and care. If it hasn’t happened already, do you want to make sure that your kids dread being anywhere near you? Your children are not heartless, you are, and yes, it is too much to ask for them to cut a lawn that is big enough for a pro baseball diamond and shovel an acre of snow filled with gravel. I am also sure that they are brutally aware of what you have done for them. Your children had no choice when your desire for an orgasm produced them. You just mentioned that you had medical issues but I believe dementia is part of them. It’s really quite simple, if you can’t or won’t pay for someone to do the shit work than move you selfish prick. To complete the accomplished life most desire, you and Henrietta should be proactive in moving towards a solution before you have the problems which will undeniably come. Or if you are really stupid you can break your hip going down the stairs to do the laundry and then let life take over. I have a little secret for you Jim Bob (how appropriate) and that is you won’t get any better with age. As of right now you have the ability and the power to smooth out your life bumps. So, do it. Get into a more manageable home setting with the appropriate bathrooms, laundry room and parking. I believe a nice one-story condo would be right for you and the misses. Spend the time with your kids that does not include a list of tasks for them.
Does this sound so difficult? Christ, you people piss me off!
Agitated,
Bobby the Bricklayer La Douche’