Mystic La Douche’
Astrologer to the Stars
Now offering help to the little people like you
Aries
March 21-April 19
Make sure to take a change of clothes with you today. You are going to crap in your pants. It will happen at the worst possible time and the humiliation will change you forever.
Taurus
April 20-May 20
Today will be uneasy for you. Your partner will give you genital herpes and the breakouts will last for 28 days at a time. In a short while, your partner will leave you.
Gemini
May 21-June 21
It’s going to be sweet and sour day. On the last bite of your Chinese lunch, you will eat a tuft of pubic hair. Think of it as the fiber you’ve been missing.
Cancer
June 22-July 22
While you never got Covid you mysteriously pick up a virus which causes hideous body odor. It has no cure. You’ll be forced to move to Romania where everybody stinks and you’ll fit right in.
Leo
July 23-August 22
Your obese Doctor is going to tell you to lose weight. Quite simple really, take in less calories and get more exercise you will hear. This will brighten your day as you absorb this new found wisdom.
Virgo
August 23-September 22
You will fail at suicide today. Are you really surprised?
Libra
September 23-October 23
Today you buy the winning ticket for the Powerball lottery. Later on, you use the ticket to set your leaky coffee cup on. 11-25-27-1-dark roast. Nice work.
Scorpio
October 24-November 21
You will question what is being questioned in the LGBTQ+ question.
Sagittarius
November 22-December 21
Today you will inherit a massive southern plantation. Tomorrow BLM will burn it to the ground before you get it insured. You’ll be responsible for site cleanup.
Capricorn
December 22-January 19You will get amnesty today and be able to use your food stamps for a pack of Kool cigarettes and a 40-ounce malt liquor.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
While going through the airport today the TSA staff will be happy and helpful. I knew this astrology stuff was horseshit.
Pisces
February 19-March 20
Just prior to getting anesthesia for your surgery today you will find out that the surgeon is autistic. This guy is on a TV show too.
If today is your birthday you could have picked a better day. While you tend to be a goal-orientated don’t bother with those goals as you always fail. Energy and resources wasted and for what. When people tell you that you can be anything you want, don’t get fooled. This is all a lie. I recommend lowering the bar to a level which you can attain like putting on deodorant or tying your shoes. If the glove doesn’t fit you must acquit.
On this day in History:
545 AD. A man in Wuhan China digs a hole in the ground to crap in.
2021 AD. A man in Wuhan China digs a hole in the ground to crap in.
1958. Mr. McCheese gets elected and becomes Mayor McCheese.
1964. Rodney Dangerfield gets no respect.
1978. The wheel is discovered in Africa.
2016. Samuel L Jackson will move to South Africa if Trump is elected.
2021. Bobby La Douche’ gets honorary degree in Astrology from Warsaw Community College of the South Side.
Hope your tomorrow is better than today but I already know what’s going to happen and it ain’t good.
Mystic La Douche’