Bernie Sanders has produced another plank for the Democratic Party Platform for 2020. Comrade Sanders wants to give all African-Americans 3 votes each as part of a reparation’s settlement. Illegal Hispanic immigrants will get 1.5 votes each as they are being penalized because they are illegal, and people that are on life support shall be able to vote as many times as they can. Each Muslim immigrant will be able to vote 2 times as long as they do not bring C-4 into the polling places and allow their wives to vote. This will be an honor system. This plank is part of the “Give the murderers a vote” program which was championed earlier by Mr. Sanders. CNN reporters thought that candidate Sanders was toughening his stance in order to capture the moderate vote. Bernie Sanders will be moving the Oval Office to a nursing home of his choice in DC if elected. The carpet in the office will be stain resistant.
San Francisco was the destination of a field trip by a group of high schoolers from Bendover, Nebraska. Student Delbert Stickney asked the bus driver what a “sanctuary city” was and he/she/it/questioning replied that “a sanctuary city is a city that allows you to shit anywhere you want.” Delbert said that reminded him of the pasture at home except the pasture smelled better.
Economy is firing on all cylinders says Fed Chairman. CNBC reports that the economic programs utilized by Franklin Roosevelt are starting to gain traction. “If Trump would just get out of the way we could really get it going” said former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton from a secret bunker in Harlem.
Millennials look to have their student loans dismissed. “We can’t afford to buy a house, we can’t afford to buy a car, we’d have to work extra hours, what the hell is going on” says millennial while Facebooking. An agitated military veteran Morrie Pliskin said, “It seems as though you couldn’t afford college but that didn’t stop you.”
University of Wisconsin Professor Sues State of Wisconsin. Professor Sarah Muff (Inclusiveness Studies Program) is suing the State of Wisconsin because she had to teach a class of students for an hour a few months ago. She is lashing out as her normal pool of TA’s was cut from 26 to 25 in the 2018-19 school year. “How can I write a mandatory textbook if I have to teach students,” lamented Miss Muff.
Hitler’s Ashes Studied. Adolph Hitler’s ashes were studied to see if the remaining materials could prove that he was missing one testicle as reported. Dr. Wolfgang Pelt of the University of Buttheim, Germany concluded that the hated dictator either had just one ball or two very small balls. “It would require additional funding to really end this speculation” said Dr. Pelt. A related study conducted by The University of Buttheim found no viable reason that the name Adolph fell out of favor after WW2.
A Letter from Bobby La Douche’,
Dear Jewish People,
If you are looking for your European relatives’ paintings and items of high value check with the Pope and see if you can look around the Vatican. It was used as collateral for certain Nazi’s being hidden in South America.