By Bobby Bethlehem La Douche’
Just when you think its clear another pellet drops out. Omicron variant is way cooler to say than Delta variant. Sounds like Star Wars. I get first choice naming the third variant. It will be called the Chateaubriand variant. Isn’t that delicious. People will wait in line all day to say that. But I digress. This is the annual Christmas letter so let’s get it done. The Christmas letter is fast becoming a thing of the pass as all you folk gear up and tell us every damn thing, every moment of every day on Facebook now Meta. Billy made his first poop on the potty chair and here’s the video. Big F Deal. He should he’s 7. Or is Billy really a girl inside with a penis and testicles and does everybody need to be part of this. Here’s our pictures of a world-wide vacation that YOU could never afford. Here’s our new house on the lake. We just Had to buy that 80-foot pontoon boat with the full wet bar on it and a bidet made from the tusks of a sacred walrus that has a summers eve scent. My daughter, Dr. Svedka Bijindi just completed her Ph.D. dissertation called “Why the entire country of India smells so bad.” My favorite is the message from Toonces the driving cat. It said, I just got my temps today so watch out.
I feel as though it is important to continue with the Christmas letter as it is of historical importance. Years from now they can review it in psychiatric journals and determine when the American civilization fell into ruin.
Gladys and I moved to a different house this year just a mile and a half up the road. The entire process is just enchanting. The fun began when we had the house inspected. No person should ever fall for this crap. We paid $460 plus $85 for the termite inspection. We got 70 pages of drivel and pictures. In less than 24 hours after we moved in, we discovered a plethora of things that did not work or were in need of repair. Bad ceiling fan, bad ground fault circuit, bad remote for spa, leaky spa cover, faulty pump, bad irrigation system, used 54,000 gallons of water in one month to irrigate grass and plants. Replaced the garbage disposal. Dryer broke. Inspections are for suckers and I must suck bigtime! 20 pages of the inspection report was a disclaimer about why this privileged white man is not responsible for what he inspects. Just buy the money pit and keep the $460 for your first repair.
While Florida does not have a state income tax, they do have lots of other fees and surprises for you. The closing costs here are just nuts. Car insurance is much more because this state is geezerville and people are always crashing into something. Sales tax is high and different in every county. Property insurance is downright ridiculous and if you live within a few miles of the ocean take some sedatives before you read the quotes. You’ll need a separate stream of cash just for that. Since the weather is mostly pleasant every non-working degenerate is here. Here and California. My favorite irritation is car dealers. Most of them charge you a $1000 dealer fee (in certain circles this is known as the keister fee) and a host of document fees and other stuff you won’t understand. Health care in Florida is just plain bad. Everybody here is a government patient and they just don’t make much money. If you want to know where the best doctors are just follow the stream to the highest reimbursement for services in the US. They are Wisconsin, Illinois, Minnesota, and Michigan. I don’t even charge for this great information.
The Covid thing is exhausting. Me and the wife follow the suggestions of medical experts and we’ve gotten all three injections so far. Many millions of others for reasons which are hard for us to understand don’t get vaccinated and are helping this global fecal event stay at number 1 on the charts. Masks, two masks, no masks, hand soap, disinfectants, and whatever. Crapmagazine.com’s stance on vaccination is this: If you don’t get vaccinated and you die, well stupid is as stupid does. This is Fauci’s dream come true. He knew from the get go that this will never end. He’s a sexy beast isn’t he.
WE are enjoying the blistering pace with which the Biden administration is sinking into the craphouse. Free money for all and to all a good night. Thanks Santa (sleepy) Joe.
As you may be considering purchasing a diamond for your gay lover or tranny, or lesbo, or transvestite or even your best girl you may wish to consider the following facts. De Beers is a world-wide company which in practice manages 85% of the diamonds available for sale on earth. They are currently holding billions, yes billions, of half karat to 1 karat diamonds. These are the size diamonds that most customers purchase. De Beers holds the shiny trinkets in their rectum and craps out tiny amounts to the market which keeps the prices really high. Just think when you dole out that $8000 for something that is really worth one dollar you are really getting fleeced. If you take a billion diamonds and sell each for $4000 that’s 4 trillion dollars. That seems simply mad. You know what’s rarer than a diamond? Everything. Now that I spoiled that I’ll move on.
I am treating myself to hearing aids this Christmas so I can fully understand all the nagging from Gladys. I like it when Gladys gets pissed at me because I can’t hear from three rooms away behind a closed door. It’s really the reason you go deaf.
This is a secret so don’t tell Gladys. I am having private shopping carts reserved for Gladys La Douche’ at all the TJMax, Marshalls and Home Goods stores which she frequents. All she has to do is text 30 minutes ahead and they will fully disinfect a shopping cart, place her name tag on it, bag it and have it ready to use when she arrives. I am also getting her an express pass which enables her to go to checkout #1 as soon as she wishes for the year 2022. No one is getting a better gift than Gladys this year. No one.
As consumers we are not supposed to buy products from companies that use child labor (sweat shops). If we do that, what are those little bastards going to do all day. Are they going to go home and bother mommy while she is entertaining johns at her shack? Are they going out on the street begging wealthy people for money so they can eat? Go back to the foundry and get to work you crybabies. There is nothing as rewarding as 18 hours of work per day. Go Nike! Incidentally, what do you think happens on a private farm? Midwife cuts the umbilical cord and it’s off to milk the cows, sans diaper.
A lot of people ask me how I’m doing. Well, today I woke up at 10 am. Took my cache of pills. Picked the newspaper off the driveway because my wife failed to bring it in before she went to golf. What is this, torture? I made a cup of coffee and read the paper. Gladys came home and made lunch and I wrote this Christmas letter. I’m so sleepy now. Probably going to sit and watch a Hallmark Christmas movie as long as there are no people of color or homos in it. So, there it is for ya. A difficult day at the La Douche’ hacienda.
My children will be coming to our big family Christmas gathering as long as their bail is not set too high.
I wish most people a Merry Christmas.
Next Item: Nuke Iran, China and Russia.
Bobby Bethlehem La Douche’
One of the three wisemen
Here’s a bonus poem to you from me as a Christmas gift.
There was an orphan named Bobby
Who was left one Christmas in a theatre lobby
Was it because his head was knobby?
Nobody wanted him because they were snobby
And because he was slobby
He didn’t even have a hobby
Poor, poor Bobby.
Then he died.