Dear Friends, Family and Fans,
Just when you think your life couldn’t get better you are proven wrong. Most people are mired down with rehab and inflation killing their dreams but not us. We have turned 2023 into our finest year ever. I spent most of the year going through Hunter Biden’s laptop looking for criminal behavior as an expert for the FBI. Besides the porn between Hunter and a myriad of drugged hookers there was little to see unless you care about bribe money, phony jobs, payoffs, felony gun charges, tax evasion, complicity with Chinese and Ukrainian government agencies, and a net worth of $285 million. As Inspector Frank Drebbin stated “there’s nothing to see here folks”.
We don’t know if our son Justin will be home this Christmas as he is brokering a peace deal between the Israeli’s and Hamas. Ever since he became an influencer on Tik Tok the government has been seeking out his expertise for the State Department. Between that and grading meatball subs on Face Book his plate is very full. This year our daughter Kim took a job as Special Attache’ to The Pope and has been all over the globe. She is currently in Mexico verifying the tears coming from a statue of Mary in a small church. After licking the statue, she confirmed the presence of salt. Oh crap, I wasn’t supposed to say anything.After this case is completed, she is headed to the Cayman Islands to do some banking for the Vatican.
My wife Gladys has been modeling for AARP Magazine as the before picture for a face lift company. She is now a 51% shareholder in TJ Max and Marshalls and is on the Board of Directors. Her area of expertise is buying and returning things every day. When she is not busy with those duties, she fosters mice that have been maimed in lab experiments. Those poor mice who don’t make it are given a proper burial in a cheese lined casket with a Swiss cheese pillow. We have purchased a cemetery where the entrance looks like a Tom and Jerry cartoon. It’s very welcoming.
Our 17-year-old grandson changed his name from Connor to Garfield. He is a furry and is just learning about covering his poop properly in the litter box at school and at home. He brings further pride to the family as he’s a trans cat and puts nipples on the bottom of his fur suit. We got the Guiness Book of World Records to verify that our grandson is the very first trans furry. Gladys was so proud that she wept when she found out and stormed off. I didn’t see her for days. One of our things on the to do list is to keep Garfield in a different room than the foster mice. I’ve added a fingerprint, not a paw print locking device on that room, I can tell you. Although, I thought I smelled mouse on Connor’s breath last week. What can you do?
If the entire family can get together this year for Christmas, we are going to San Francisco and hand out clean syringes and Narcan at as many tent cities as we can. As a health SERVICE we will be collecting feces around the compound and putting it into Cologuard boxes for mailing for folks who are 45 and older with anormal chance of colon cancer.
Merry Christmas to You all!
Archduke Bobby Narcan La Douche’
Gladys La Douche’
Justin La Douche’
Kim La Douche’
Garfield (Connor) La Douche’