By Archduke Bobby Plutarch La Douche’
Dear Relatives, Friends, and Countrymen,
It has been quite a year for the La Douche’ royalty. I started the year being recognized by the Nobel Committee and prize winner for my tireless work on saving the albino single eyed miniature red-tailed carp from extinction. There are 4 left in the world and they reside in my hot tub. Since they are all males, I’m at a loss, but with the $5 million dollar grant from the Clinton Global Initiative I have designated two of my fish to become trans. I picked the two which were the most feminine. It could be a promising mating season.
It was a thrill to negotiate the Israel-Hamas cease fire. Many a tense hour was spent on my satellite phone with the various leaders of the world. As an Archduke I am always part of the conversation and while my family sometimes get neglected, they understand how hard it is to be me.
I was on an archeological expedition this fall and discovered what became the world’s oldest and largest human fecal deposit. It fossilized over the thousands of years and currently holds papers down on my desk. I’ve named it the Big La Douche’.
In my spare time this year I have remastered the Beatles Anthology 4 albums. Giles Martin and Paul McCartney begged me for months to do it. I hope you enjoy my mastery of the recorded art. Lastly, I recently purchased Epstein Island for the LGBTQ+ community so they could have a place to go and not be scrutinized for their quirks, perversions, and behaviors.
Arch Duchess Gladys has given countless hours to charity this year. Her latest cause is raising money for ladies who would like Louis Vitton handbags but unfortunately can’t afford them. Six homeless women have received their bags so far. It was quite moving to witness the exchange. Gladys also chaired a committee which forced TJ Maxx/Marshalls and Home Goods to lower their interest rate to 38% on their private MasterCard. Also secured was a better Rewards program. I don’t know how she does it, but she started an organization to help people who are NOT on the spectrum get jobs at McDonalds. It’s called BM or Better McDonalds. She received a special certificate from the Hamburglar.
My daughter, Esmerelda has starred in several Hallmark movies this year. They were “Up Yours”, “Don’t Slip When Ice Comes for You”, “Blow It Out Your Chimney”, and lastly “The Queers Next Door”. During this holiday season she can be found helping unload cars and giving autographs for $5 at the Goodwill Stores.
My son, Dexter, is a lab technician who empties the boxes they get in the mail from Cologuard patients. He loves the work because it’s really colorful and digestively diverse. He told me that he never has to buy cologne. In his spare time, he visits patients at “Here We Go Again” rehab center in Monaco. Several of his celebrity friends come and go. Earlier this year he set fire to his own Tesla in protest of something and was given the prestigious I’m an Idiot Award from Goerge Soros. Way to go Dexter!
Our only grandchild, Remington, started his post high school career at Faber College this fall. He is majoring in Gender Studies with emphasis on pronouns and minoring in non-binary color selection in family settings. He hopes to shower with as many transes as possible to enhance his world experience. His motto is “I don’t see penises and vaginas, I just see people”.
Our Dog, Miss Chompi of Canbria, was winner of Best in Show at the Westminster Dog Show. The only Schnoodle to ever win the coveted prize. She was devastated when her Busy Bee got lost in the excitement but she’s doing well in therapy.
Merry Christmas from the LA Douche’ Aristocracy.
Sincerely,
Oligarch Bobby Plutarch La Douche’