By Bobby Shitbird La Douche’
There’s a stink in the air. The smell of befoulment. Since my last publishing a plethora of crap has emerged which needs to be discussed. From the absurd to the amusing. Here be my take on it.
Will Smith or Smiff depending on your speech abilities slapped comedian Chris Rock on the stage at the Oscars for making a joke about his wife sort of. Another example of black-on-black crime? This was followed by Mr. Smiff telling Rock twice to “keep my wife’s name out your fucking mouth”. He was referring to Jadah Pinkett Smiff his open marriage wife. It is apparent that Mr. Smith will not be doing Shakespeare any time soon. He’s been banned from the Oscars for 10 years and there are cries of racism about that. Go hump somebody else’s leg mutt face. That line is out of Heartbreak Ridge starring Clint Eastwood and if you are saying racism over this worthless punishment than you are a pathetic lefty who needs an enema.
First and foremost, the lowest member of the food chain is an actor. Except when they are busing tables, they provide no function to society in any way. No group honors itself more and no group has done so little for so many. No group knows more about politics and the state OF THE WORLD CLIMATE as they do. If you need clarification on any matter, ask Sean Penn. Watch out though as he may threaten to melt his Oscar statues if you don’t agree with him. The number one customer for private jets are actors and rich pedophiles. Sometimes they are one and the same.
Turn on a rerun of Young Sheldon and ditch the Oscars. You will thank me.
Joe Biden the Tale of a Living Legend
Everything that was supposed to happen with our disabled president Lost Synapse Joe has appeared in full force. Turn off Keystone pipeline to encourage the coming debacle of electric cars. We be green. Within a short time, we need oil and we ask Russia, Saudi Arabia, and Venezuela for the oil we stopped through Keystone. Putin is not even that stupid. Abandons Afghanistan allies and military airport with billions in equipment left behind. The whole thing was a flat-out mess of huge proportions. Building electric cars and trucks requires materials from China and Russia. Actually 85% of all the needed materials are from communist countries. This is a great idea only beaten by Europe’s reliance on Russia for gas and oil. Same deal for components of solar panels and wind mills. Where do all the car batteries go when they get replaced? What, you don’t know yet? How do you get the electric grid up to speed when the entire world is plugged into it for their vehicles? Can you say black out?
There are 1110 coal burning power plants in China with dozens more in the pipeline. There are 240 in the US. China and the US have the same land mass. China has about the same number of vehicles as the US. Stick that in your hypocritical pipe and smoke it. Nothing we can or could do will make up for the garbage that China is spewing into our atmosphere. We didn’t even talk about India. 2.5 billion people on this earth heat and cook with charcoal which is even more polluting than burning coal. Price of gas sucks up all the free money you gave out. Free money helps escalate inflation with a 40-year high. Nobody is afraid of Joe in the rest of the world. Russia invades the Ukraine. Supply chain is a total mess. Biden asks American oil companies to produce more oil and ramp up their expenses so they can get screwed later when they have to dial back to zero. Defund the police turns into murder fest all over the country.
Thousands of people pour across our southern border unchecked. Set up with cell phones and hotel rooms on your dime. Still waiting for the VP to visit the area as prescribed by Sleepy Joe. Build Back Better tanks due to suspicious accounting. Joe’s son Hunter up to his ass in criminal behavior involving Joe. We are proud of you Joe and your band of brothers who are running the US into the ground. Onward to socialism and the defeat of self-worth and improvement. “Let’s Go Branden” On a side note. Trump still makes the TV news very day. Is he still the president?
Fentanyl laced Cocaine
I read the other day that a group of liberals wants the government to provide test kits for illegal drug users so they can screen their drugs before they ingest or inject them to keep them safe. This is what became of the group of cadets who used cocaine laced with fentanyl during spring break and ended up in the hospital. This is pure genius. Why didn’t I think of it? I always thought it was buyer beware when buying drugs from criminals you don’t know. Now we as people can help the recreational and addicted drug abuser have less anxiety while they score the goods. I can’t think of a better place to use tax dollars. We as people have to upgrade what we carry around in order to save everybody on the planet. Here is the current list: 1) epi-pen 2) defibrillator 3) Narcan 4) glucose paste and now 5) drug test kit. A citizen worth his shit will have these items at all times.
Human Cats in Ripon Wisconsin
There are a group of young adults who either think they are cats or enjoy acting like a cat in a school in Ripon Wisconsin. Because of their cat like nature, they choose to pee and crap on the floor in the bathrooms at school. Instead of sending them to a mental health facility the school board has chosen to put litter boxes in the bathrooms. I don’t know who is more full of shit, the school board or the “cats”. Is the tail wagging the cat here? I know what will stop this ridiculous behavior. Take them to the vet and have them put down. Then fluffy can make a decision at that time whether they really are a cat. I just thought of something else. Let’s add an F to the LGBTQ+ for feline. This should fit nicely with this group. Battle on my friends. This may be an item taken up by the ASPCA.
Crapmagazine.com awards the Furgeson toilet as most powerful and manly of all toilets sold in the US. Only comes in white. Al Bundy has given it the thumbs up and says with gusto “the other toilets are almost apologetic when they flush, not the Furgey, it goes BAAAAA WHOOOOOOOOISH. “You can get rid of the plunger now; this thing could pull down an aircraft carrier. This is a man’s toilet. No rainbows in this bathroom.
Disney puts Hillary pants on Minnie. (May I suggest a wallet in her back pocket attached to her beltloop by a biker chain)
Bob Chapek the CEO of Disney is Woke. We will all be alright now. Mickey is turning non-binary and we are putting pants on Minnie so as not to disturb all the abnormal people who are intolerant of separate XX and XY chromosomes. Old Bob can gay up his entire enterprise but I’m woke to the ridiculous cost of going to his theme parks and mousey hotels. Hey Bob………wake up and smell the stool. The people who foot the bill are not happy. 96% of the people.
Note to Ukraine: Every abandoned and burned-out Russian tank sitting in the open field costs Russia about $4 million dollars apiece. Sell them to Carvana.
Seinfeld was a show about nothing. After a two-week retirement of the Kardashians its back on TV again. The real show about nothing. Gadzooks no more, no more!
Phobialicious
People of all kinds are having trouble understanding the word phobia. A phobia is an uncontrollable, irrational, and persistent fear of something that poses little or no actual danger. (From MentalHealth.gov)
Can’t someone just not like or agree with something and not be phobic about something. If two men are kissing passionately and it bothers you, are you really a homophobe? Are they really scaring you or are you just puked out about what you are witnessing? Do people really think that’s a phobia?
Let’s talk Islamophobia. Once you get past all the suicide bombings, stoning of women, murders of gay people, the beheadings in the name of Islam, and the desire to make everyone in the world a Muslim by any way possible you can reflect on the reality.
There are 2 billion Muslims in the world with millions and millions being radical. So, is it really an irrational fear you have of Muslims or not? Just another liberal bowel movement in the stew.
Adults with half a brain are generally tolerant of many, many things that repulse them. I view tolerance to be a legitimate goal of the US. Nobody needs to embrace everybody and everything around them. Be respectful and courteous. No need to light a fuse, but then I in turn am looking to be left alone to think what I think and believe what I believe. There is no need to attach “phobia” to everything that disturbs the liberal media.
This just in: A review of the Roe vs. Wade decision by SCOTUS leaks into the press. People are in a great upheaval because their birth control method may be doing a u turn. If you don’t want children make a plan. This isn’t 1845. To all you geniuses out there: There is a morning after pill out there. I’m sure the government will pop for it. Check it out.
Bobby Shitbird La Douche’
At no extra cost crapmagazine.com brings you a special poem to brighten your day.
There was a boy named Matt
He was big and fat
All he loved was food and his cat
A strange man killed his cat with a bat
Matt threw the man off a building top and he went splat
His head was really flat
The mess was eaten by a rat
The rat was bitten by a bat
Matt covered the rat with his hat
He bent over and ate the bat
He gave his mom a pat
Then he died