crapmagazine.com News Blurbs for Today
selected by Bobby Nose La Douche’
Seven-Year-Old Sentenced to Death
Billy Johnston, a very white, very privileged, 7-year-old son of a plumber was sentenced to death after his trial for a hate crime committed when he was 6. In May 2017, while waiting for a plane at the Chicago O’Hare airport Billy walked up to a 6-foot 10 inch African -American man and asked him if he was a basketball player. Within moments the Sheriffs arrived to deal with a crowd of enraged passengers who heard his racist taunt. Billy was ushered out of the airport draped with a bullet proof cape. Several people were pushed to the ground in the ensuing nightmare.
Although the man approached by Billy in the airport played for the Chicago Bulls it really didn’t affect the jury decision for a guilty verdict and they asked the judge for the death sentence. The jury foreman said “this child got to die”.
The judge put the beatdown on Billy by telling the court what a vicious little monster he was. “You will no longer stereotype and slur our minority community” barked Judge Sanders.” You will be an example to all the lower middle-class people that it ain’t gonna happen anymore!”
Billy was escorted from the courtroom in shackles. He asked for two hot pockets for his final meal.
Vegan poisoned with Ring Bologna
A very gaunt and pale Virginia Cale didn’t know why she was seeing double and getting violently ill all the time. She also had an incredible desire for ketchup. The trouble all started when her boyfriend Paul Balltutis moved into her simple studio apartment. Within a few weeks she was seeing the doctor and getting blood work regularly. Her cholesterol had risen to 62 and then the anxiety disorder struck. No longer able to work at the Gluten Free Café, Virginia sunk into depression. One morning after Paul left for work, Miss Cale stumbled to the kitchen for a cucumber and hay smoothie. While throwing out the peels Virginia noticed a ring bologna wrapper in the trash container. Her heart sank and when Paul came home, she confronted him about the bologna. After repeated requests Paul finally cracked and told her he did it. He was lacing her smoothies with bologna to punish her for constant ranting about vegetables. “My brain has turned into a parsnip” he sobbed.
ACLU Seeks Reparations for Service Dogs
The ACLU filed suit in Federal Court for reparations for what they called modern slavery with the use of service dogs for the disabled. “The heinous use of dog trafficking must come to an end” shouted Heimlich Himler- Kraus. They are seeking $200 Billion in government reparations for the willful misconduct by President Trump in the continued government support of slave training facilities for these abused animals. There was no comment from Rover the golden retriever when questioned at the ACLU podium.
The Beatles “White Album” dubbed racist by angry mob
An angry mob demonstrated outside of Capital Records in LA early this week with the 50th anniversary of the Beatles “White Album “release. An unidentified person in the group asked that the controversial Beatle album be called “The Beatles Double Album.”
Image of Kardashians to Replace Presidents on Mt. Rushmore
In order to promote a more inclusive modern country, Democrats in Congress have proposed that the presidents on Mt. Rushmore be chipped off and replaced by the Kardashians. Kim Kardashians ass will be featured in the center. Twitter is exploding with millennials asking “What is Mt. Rushmore?” Funds for the project will be provided by Ellen.
Media Mogul La Douche’ attacked for French Heritage
Bobby La Douche’ reported to Chicago police that he was subjected to ethnic slurs and his head was placed in a guillotine. When police arrived at his hotel suite, he was still wearing the guillotine and his face was wet with champagne. He also showed police his crushed chocolate croissant which was damaged in the fracas. A teary eyed La Douche’ said his assailants shouted “frog” and “frog turd” at him. La Douche’ said he thought his attackers were limeys because of their poor dental situation. Police asked to see La Douche’s cell phone but he was adamant they not look at it because he had a secret souffle recipe in it. Police were investigating.
Kim Jong Un selected as People Magazine’s Sexiest Man of the Year
The editor of People Magazine announced Kim Jong Un as People Magazine’s sexiest man of 2019. “There is something about a man with a massive, fat head and being a murderer that stimulates my senses” says super model Quintessa Obanovich.
Straws Banned in Florida. Sea Turtle found with straw in his nose!
A 300-year-old sea turtle was found with a plastic drinking straw stuck in his nose on New Smyrna Beach. Outraged citizens called for the ban on plastic straws throughout the Florida coastline. A vet examined the poor turtle and found that the big guy was a cocaine addict. The turtle was arrested in a drug sting operation later that week.