(uncredentialed life coach, just an observer of stupid)
Dear Mr. La Douche’
I write to spread the word about the very large club that I belong to. Several years ago, I made a conscious decision to buy a Toyota Prius in an effort to save this here earth we all live on. I bought a green one to be green throughout. Wow 52 miles per gallon and when the barometric pressure and humidity is just right and I have lost a few pounds I can get 54 miles per gallon. I never have passengers or use the air conditioner and always keep my windows closed for good aerodynamics. With every extra block I don’t use gas I beam with pride. Fellow Prius drivers often envy my mileage stats and get downright bitter. Some have spit on me. Leaders have to lead. Mr. La Douche’ can you use your magazine to promote the purchase of the Prius and other hybrids in order to save the planet?
With great appreciation,
Dewey Carbon
Dear Mr. Carbon,
I believe that Alan Greenspan stated years ago that the hybrid vehicle was going to be a great solution for the practical use of resources and to lower emissions. It makes sense because you lower use of gas but also utilize the gas to charge the self- contained batteries. It wouldn’t be practical to plug in 269.1 million US cars to the power grid every night if vehicles were all electric.
Let’s get back to you Mr. Carbon. Prius drivers disturb me. I am surprised that you have not all been killed in road rage incidents. It’s not cool to drive 15 miles an hour less than the speed limit in order to get your mileage up. I suggest that you get out and push your car down the street if you want to pad the stats. By not driving with passengers you automatically reduce your mileage in half or more you blithering waste of human. There’s more. These cars are ugly. Only one thing pisses me off more and that is driving behind one of your club members that has a wheelchair on the license plate. Double the fun. Instead of a wheelchair on the plate they should equip the car with a sign that says “Driver is unable to go the speed limit for a number of reasons.”
Lastly, please do me a favor and give me a call (555-555-6925) and let me know when you would be available to come out and lay down in the street so I could run over your head with a 700-horse power Dodge Charger SRT Hellcat.
Good Day,
Bobby Hellcat La Douche’