By editor Bobby Estrogen La Douche’
My new pathway unfolded a few weeks ago when I was shopping at Walgreens for some Ibuprofen. For some unknown reason I was drawn to the female products aisle where I saw the panty liners and tampons. I was immersed in a feeling of sadness and loss yet giddy with the thought of becoming a gelding. I felt as if I had missed something in my life. I wondered about having a pretend vagina and luscious massive breasts. While I realized I could never have all these desirable features I could however, get some of them, and rid myself of some old low hanging stretched out junk I never use. By the time I started eyeing up the various douche products I had a lightning bolt awakening. How about my own line of douche? I’ll call it “Heavens Douche’”. I’ll have three flavors. The first having a touch of Pinot Noir for the dry douche connoisseur, the second having a splash of Rose’ for the all-around gal, and the third with a hint of unoaked Chardonnay for the white wine enthusiast. In theory after you use “Heavens Douche” you could serve it. Of course, the Pinot is served at room temperature.
Later that day I signed up with an internet psychologist to help me swim through the shark infested waters of becoming a woman. Its name was Helmut Kardashian and he got his associate degree at the Community College of East St. Louis. It took a while to get used to looking at this person as it looked like part human, part plant and part rodent.
My first online lesson was a full three hours on the art of nagging. I got an A in that course. My second segment was how to enjoy spending 12 hours at TJ Maxx. The third class was getting to the heart of the matter and that was how to withhold sex to get what I want. The major take away from this course was to go to bed fully dressed. Wow, I never thought that there were so many things to understand. The fourth session was the ever-popular sarcasm training that certainly helps a person to really elevate any argument to its proper pre-murder level. Session 4 is to be used with session 3. I took the elective course (Never Use a Gas Station) on always leaving the car with no gas. Next month I was to start being counseled for the actual physical change. I was quietly nervous and apprehensive.
Class one: Section two: Coming to grips with your new found ugliness.
Like all of the men who become women, after completion of your new self, you will be an ugly woman. From your enormous hands, to your adams apple, to your 5 o’clock shadow, to shaving your new breasts, you are gross. As I approach 68 years of age, I must multiply the ugliness by 3. I walked over to the mirror on the wall as I spoke with Helmut and visualized my new stringy, thin, mousy, long hair lying on my very square shoulders. My glued-on bush like eyelashes that highlight my dark blue eyeshadow with all the glitter. The half inch of foundation that will help cover my beard. The huge breasts that are just slightly bigger than my stomach. The 3XL thong caressing my bleach white hairy butt. The big scar where my pee pee and gravity weighted scrotum used to be. My thick yellow toenails painted with coral colored nail polish. The hair on my toes waving at the bright orange color. My size 13 EEE sandals highlighting my soft and sexy calves.
Class two: Section two: Will you be a lesbian or trans heterosexual?
Helmut opened our video gambit with this question. Once you become a woman you should decide if you want to date a woman or a man or a plant or a farm animal or even a reptile. No matter what you choose there is the prerequisite of becoming a hard-core slut. Plan for many, many partners and unprotected group sex. Constant visit to the doctors to get checked for aids, monkey pox, herpes, and hundreds of other maladies. Even though you will be scary looking there is always somebody uglier than you and your ability to engage sexually will always be there. Helmut stated that once you climb this virus ridden mountain you are almost home.
Class three: Section two: See the Surgeon
I studied and researched the physician possibilities in my area. I talked to people in the know at the nearest rainbow rated LGBTQ+ Bar. I made the appointment for my first meeting with Dr. Arreola. Dr. Arreola was not in a hurry and spoke gently to me. I explained to him when my desire started at Walgreens and the hollow empty cold feeling that over powered me. A nurse knocked on our door and gave the doctor a sheet of paper. He paused with his head lowered and then looked at me and said “you have Covid, this is just a symptom.”
With that I left.
Bobby Estrogen La Douche’
Fighter for Human Rights!