La Douche’ Projectile Vomits
By Bobby Emesis La Douche’
Me First: The Gay or Left Tide has hit the country. I have decided to put my hand out like the rest of these dullards. 1) Where is my Goddamn stimulus money? I don’t care if I need it or not. 2) I would like the local or state government to drive my vaccination to me. 3) We should all get food stamps right now. 4) Medicare benefits need to get better with no payment for anything. 5) All prescriptions should be a dollar or less. If you don’t have a dollar the government will pick up the tab. 6) Meals on wheels for all. Gimme more.
BLM: It’s apparent that black lives matter more when the weather is warmer.
Stimulus Money: How stupid is it for the government to send money out as a stimulus and then tax it? This requires the government to send out IRS Form 1444 when you file your taxes. How much does that little ditty cost? How about lower the stimulus payment by 10% and make it tax free?
Face Mask: I am fed up with assholes who wear their face mask below their nose. How stupid are you? That’s like covering half the holes in the gas chamber.
Covid Vaccine: The Gay Left wants to vaccinate inmates in prison before the law-abiding citizens. I’m personally not worried if the rapist gets Covid. Dumb, dumber and dumbest.
Amnesty for Illegal Aliens: Nothing but a bribe for 10 million more votes for the Gay Left. A sharp slap in the face for anyone who worked their ass off for legal citizenship.
Electric Cars: The push is on to make all the cars electric. Imagine all 270 million vehicles plugging their cars in at night and seeing the electric grid shut down across the entire country. The government is subsidizing people to buy electric cars like a Tesla by giving a $7250 tax credit to the buyer. Why are taxpayers footing the bill for some lefty who wants an electric car? The manufacturers get the extra money. You want the goddamn thing then buy it yourself. Christ how stupid.
Fake Meat: There is nothing left to say.
Veterinarians: All of you folks out there who complain about the cost of health care and drugs apparently don’t own pets. There is no bigger rip off today than the cost of pet care. You are getting gouged because we all love our dogs and cats more than our own children and one could argue that there are lots of good reasons for that. These veterinarians (charlatans) utilize your love and ram the huge bills up your keister. Does anybody ask them for a discount? What? $2000 for an IV and an ultrasound. Sure! Wake up and smell the stool Mrs. Bueller.
Wrinkle Creams: $400, $300, $200, $100 or $10, it doesn’t matter it’s all crap. The fastest way to look better is to stop wearing your glasses. Others look better too!
TV: I must have fallen asleep for quite a while. It appears that there are no white people in the acting profession. Unless I have 1000 BET channels. I think the Hallmark Network must have contracted them all.
Cultural Appropriation: Lots of complaints about people stealing the black culture when they are not black. Bruno Mars is an example. Fast forward to the Super Bowl where Vince Lombardi was black. Say what!
McDonalds: I love it when people get all puked out about eating at McDonalds. They are so above it. I never eat there they say. McDonalds has served over 300 billion hamburgers (they stopped counting in 1994) yet you never go there. Bullshit and more bullshit.
The DMV: Gladys and I became residents of Florida and we live in the bubble of The Villages. Everything you need and then some. It all started with the Florida driver’s license. All of my experiences in the Wisconsin DMV were disturbing and laced with people who obviously hated their jobs. So, when I went to the Sumter County Building to get my license, I was prepared to do battle. First thing was that everyone was organized and friendly. I brought my forms and went in at the time of my appointment. The women who waited on me were kind and pleasant. They were patient with my questions and knew the answers. When I completed my mission, I got up from my chair and said “In all my experiences with the DMV I have never been treated so nicely and pleasantly……………………. What’s wrong with you people?”
Two Masks? The CDC believes that wearing two masks, can of course, reduce the spread of covid. For the last 85 years surgeons and other surgery personnel have been wearing one mask while your parts are exposed. If that’s been working what the hell is with the two masks. I can hardly breathe with one. Independent researcher Bobby La Douche’ says that all adults should wear a thick cloth diaper soaked in Lysol to keep the spread of the covid virus from their flatulence. More outstanding information from crapmagazine.com.
Jeopardy: Special message to the BLM. How many times have you seen a black contestant on Jeopardy? Systemic racism? I think so. Burn the studio down.
Hunter Biden: Every day even now there is something about Trump on the liberal news even though there is no story to be told. Did Hunter get exonerated in an alternate universe? When his two tax liens worth $500K were magically paid off was it with bitcoins? There are weasels among us of every persuasion.
The Flu and the cold: Scientists are baffled by the reduction of flu and cold victims this year. I’m taking a shot here but maybe it’s because we are wearing masks, cleaning our hands every 30 seconds and staying home. After this covid stuff is at bay we will start dying from the common cold since our immunity will be shot. Write this down.
The Movie Business: One good thing has come from the pandemic. Movie production is way down and I bet the pay for acting in a movie as a big shot former waiter is really down. What you have to sell the Malibu beach home? Poor thing.
Constipation: There is a commercial on TV for a laxative that says 63 million people in North America have constipation. I’d like to see the process of how that figure was attained. I got 50 cents that says this is pure bullshit, no pun intended.
TV’s: Is there any better deal in the product market than a TV? A 25” color TV in 1968 was $1500. (How the hell did we watch stuff from furniture that was 15 feet away and see anything.) In 2021 bucks that’s about $8000. I saw a 75” inch LG for $899 in Costco the other day. Holy man! You get to watch a TV that you can see from outer space and you are bitching about not enough covid vaccine. Re-prioritize.
Kanye and Kim: Kanye West has filed divorce papers to dissolve his marriage to Kim Kardashian because her ass wasn’t big enough according to crapmagazine.com sources.
Private Moments: This story of medical intervention is true. The name was changed to protect the patient. It seems that our patient, let’s call her Jerse, was having pain in and around her back door. You gay men know it as your port of entry. With the magic of a David Copperfield use of a mirror and her God given agility she was able to diagnose a hemorrhoid near the hinges of her back door. It was very pronounced and purple. She then researched what she saw and self-diagnosed it as a thrombosed hemorrhoid. Off to the proctologist she went. Jerse was very surprised to see a very petite female doctor. What sort of personality does it take to look up your keister and make a career out of it? This is the best part. Jerse had to kneel on a moveable table with her elbows for support in front of her. She told Dr. “Piles” that she thought it was a thrombosed hemorrhoid. The doctor moved the table so she could be eye to eye with the problem. ‘You were right Jerse, that’s what it is” said Dr. Piles. After removal of the clot relief was present and accounted for. Remember that if you have a bunch of grapes hanging from your ass you should go to the doctor.
You can count on crapmagazine .com to provide you with the most up to date medical information in the world.
My stomach is empty and there is no more bile coming out.
Over and Out
Bobby Emesis La Douche’