Dear Santa,
I haven’t written in quite awhile due to my fear of retribution. This year I hit the jackpot by turning 70 and since that’s only 45 feet away from being called out at home what could possibly happen by sending you this Christmas 2024 letter. I drafted my first letter to you when I was five or six and the excitement of requesting a gift or three from the Cheese himself was exhilarating. My list could have been much longer but you don’t want to come across as egocentric and greedy at this age. Below is the letter.
Dear Santa,
I have been very good this year although my priest told me I was a sinner and would burn in hell if I kept up at my current pace. Don’t buy that load of shit Santa because I can assure you that my behavior has been stellar and my actions were only in self-defense.
With that being said I would like the following items:
1) A train set with enough track to circle the furnace in the basement. Would prefer a larger scale train but will defer to your judgement.
2) A model of a B-17 Flying Fortress Bomber with the appropriate decals and glue. Not a small one either. Also, could you throw in a few plastic dead jap soldiers to litter below the B-17?
3) While you are dropping off the presents please kill my brother Lester. Look at it as a deletion from your already sizable list. My gift to you.
Please don’t take it out on me if mom puts a prune donut and milk out for you and she tries to weave your snack into her constipation problem.
Your Real Friend,
Bobby
Here was the reality of this letter you fat ass, booze nosed, pedophile. You left me socks, underwear and pair of shoes that were so out of style the kids at school are still laughing at me. Would it have killed you to murder Lester? Aren’t parents supposed to provide clothing as a necessity? As I turn 70, I still have no self esteem from this event and my therapist has asked me to find someone new to discuss things with. So, you shithead, if you try and come down my chimney this year, I will have a large crew of gay prisoners here for you to satisfy. All were in solitary for years and have a propensity to cause rectal bleeding.
Merry Christmas you piece of white European shit!
Bobby La Douche’
Former Client of North Pole Industries (a subsidiary of the Fleet Enema Company)
Cc: Donald Trump