La Douche’ the Mongoose
Thoughts from a snake killer.
Home Schooling: We always hope that teachers are people who chose what they wanted to do in life. Except for an endless string of government benefits, the ability to retire as a fetus and a pension second to none, the pay is sub-standard and having to work with any kids that are not K-second grade is a task for a sadist. If you wanted to home school you just did it. Now because of this malignant super fungus lots of you poor bastards are stuck teaching your own children stuff that you pay taxes for someone else to do. If you wanted to be a teacher you would have been a teacher. So, as you juggle doing your job from home and learn your kids to cipher like Jethro Bodine you have to have a plan to keep the little varmints in line. Most of you parents love to be buddies with your little offspring. This is why they will be dependent blood sucking remora fish that you will enable forever. La Douche’ says let’s go retro! Situate your kid or kids in front of their laptop. Tell them to pay attention as they may never know when you might be back to secure the perimeter. Then periodically sneak up from behind and give them a good slap in the back of the head and say “are you doing your work?” followed by “sit up straight!” Believe me they will perform. Problem solved.
The Election: According to the current information we have elected a president with the onset of dementia and Parkinson’s disease. When Joe’s Trojan Horse rolls through the White House, Kamala will tumble out of the horse’s ass to save the day. The bar has certainly been lowered. The electorate has achieved a new level of dumb. I am renaming the term for blue states. Henceforth there will be gay states and red states. The gay state of Oregon is decriminalizing possession of hard drugs like heroin and crystal meth in amounts for personal use. Did anybody ever hear of recreational heroin or crystal meth use.? In order to get that personal use amount who was robbed, killed, or beaten or stolen from to get the goods. I think the cure rate from heroin addiction is about 5%. This is part of the snowflake (O’Reilly ism) crowd where no adult is responsible for what they do.
Costco Man: All of you Costco members should be happily aware of the $4.99 rotisserie chicken/ostrich that scales in at about 9 pounds and is obviously some kind of genetic experiment that just perches on that warmer table in the back of the store. A delightful mutant for a family of 12. You take it to the car and it smells like heaven all the way home. You can reheat and pound the shit out of it and it keeps giving you pleasure. No range free sparrow is ever on my table, just Clucky the Brontosaurus Chicken. Another hidden gem in the Costco nation is the car rental prices on Costco Travel.
They are always lower than anybody else. Here’s a tip from Uncle La Douche’: Once you make your reservation go back to the website every week or so before your need arises and the rate may have been reduced. Confirm the new rate and cancel the other reservation. Costs nothing. By the way the Costco care rental gives you a second driver free. Enough of this.
COVID Vaccine: At this time there are one or more vaccinations which will be ready for people before the end of December. Trump said it would, but Dr. McCheese Fauci said no way until deep into next year. Is December 2020 deep into 2021? This fossil needs to be benched. At 79 it probably takes him 2 hours to find his car keys. Give a younger more updated soul the job. Perhaps a transgender black/Samoan/ Inuit woman with one breast and four nipples who became a man then became a man lesbian who dresses like a woman. Let’s call her/him Dr. Buttercheeks Johnson Wasabi.
The Good
2020 just kicked the shit out of everyone. Here we are trying to make decisions about how to manage our interaction with friends and family along with the ensuing guilt from getting together. As you sit and ponder the beating of 2020, I will tell you what was good about it. As you know I’m a glass half full guy. So here it is. The real beauty of Covid 19 and BLM in 2020.
1) Although there are many pleasant gatherings, we enjoy in the course of a year just think of all the boring, sickening people and relative leakers you won’t see and better yet won’t hear in 2020.
2) All the bullshit gifts you won’t have to buy for near-strangers and the like.
3) Your constant trips to the liquor store are not only unquestioned but admired.
4) Dental visits are pushed way forward.
5) You have an excuse for your normal belligerent behavior.
6) You can set a police car on fire with no fear of arrest.
7) You could have voted as many times as you like.
8) You have the new title of Racist.
9) Planes are half full. Let me tell you something if you didn’t die from plane travel before Covid y ou are way better off now. At least at some point of the day the planes have a better chance of being wiped down, however, with that being said, when I went on a flight recently, I found a pubic hair on the tray table release. It gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling knowing that the cleaning person wiped the toilet seat before wiping off my tray.
10) Lastly, it is sad to think of the number of people who have died from Covid. But within this group there were probably a lot of assholes. Glass is half full.
Sir Loin of Beef,
Prince La Douche’