By Bobby Diarrhea La Douche’ (Travel Expert)
As we travel during this holiday season many of us will be staying in hotel rooms all over the place. After the holidays many of you real hard cores will be going to Mexico to romp around with antibiotics, bloody stools and radiator fluid booze. Let’s take some important time now to discuss and learn about how and where to find the various causes for your distress and long-standing medical problems.
As you enter your hotel room take note of the gap between the bottom of the door and the floor. Can an adult rat or python cruise into your quarters? As you look into the bathroom are there glass glasses or wrapped plastic cups waiting for you? Glass cups may have been cleaned with the same rag that wiped the toilet seat off. Sniff the glass and if you smell ass, I say don’t use it for your gin and tonic. Hopefully the wrapped plastic cups are staring back at you. While you may feel secure with the plastic cups provided, they may have been rescued from a garbage can and re-packaged for your “safety.” Bring your own American made and packaged plastic cups and use these. If these cups are ever out of your sight never reuse them. There are many disgruntled workers in this industry with great strategies for getting even with the rich pigs that use these accommodations. Look for a ventilation fan in the bathroom. If you are actually lucky enough to have a system that draws the steam and stink out of the bathroom this is good. However, if the vent is coated with some kind of black fur you could get a fungal lung infection or other respiratory malady. These illnesses may not become evident until long after you’ve returned to your regular crappy life. If your bathroom has no venting as most do not, you can imagine the mold that’s growing behind the water softened walls. Check the caulking around the bathtub or shower. Look at the bottom of the shower and think of how many thousands of times somebody pissed into that drain. How many times do you think the floor in that shower was scrubbed with bleach or soap of some kind? Since the maids get 5 minutes to clean each room, I doubt that this ever happens unless there are blood clots from a suicide or murder in there. Onward. The finishing touch on the bathroom is to see how many pubic hairs are stuck in the corners of the bathroom. I’ve been in bathrooms with zero and some that look like somebody shaved for a vasectomy. It is crucial that you as the guest bring bleach wipes or similar disinfectant wipes to wipe down the toilet seat, toilet flush handle, faucet handles and door handles. These areas are e-coli bus terminals.
Take a few breaths through an open mouth and enter the bed area. While you may not see it in natural light these carpets are loaded with filth from all over the world. Visible stains are beyond bad. If they don’t have stuff to clean a stain off a hotel room carpet it must be plutonium from a terrorist suitcase bomb. Never use the ice bucket without a plastic bag in it and not the one they give you. It also may have been reclaimed from the last flea ridden guest who got ice.
The next object is one which caused the most excitement. The TV remote from various hotels were tested and they found the following: Feces, blood, urine, semen, vaginal secretions, mucous, food, mouse poop, and puss. The TV remote is the time bomb of all-time bombs in your room. First thing is to bleach wipe the remote at least two times. Make sure to wash your hands thoroughly after this event. Some of you may have noticed that some hotels wrap the remote in a plastic covering now. What is that telling you?
The beds are a real crap shoot. Not only do you have to look for bed bugs but you can imagine how many greasy dirty bare asses were placed all over the bed spreads. Never, ever, put your skin on a bedspread. If you black lighted the beds it would blind you as to the liters of semen leaked all over the place. That also means the carpet and ceiling for those younger prostates. Once you add vomit and other body secretions it’s a Pandora’s box of horrors.
Lastly, we have the air conditioner/heater unit. Anybody hear of Legionnaires disease? Bleach wipe the controls and take your chances. It’s all you can do.
I don’t mean to take the luster off your trip. A smart traveler will take the necessary precautions so as not to die from their vacation. A hotel is a porta-john with a bed that you pay hundreds of dollars per day to use it. Second home looks pretty good right now doesn’t it.
My next travel article will discuss all the places that people can hide cameras in your hotel room. Did you know they can use a few pixels off your tv screen as a camera?
Sweet Dreams from Bobby L