Before we get to Letters to Bobby I must comment on this Thanksgiving’s bestest gift. Over the years we have sung the praises of family and friends and the good fortune that we may have. But 2023 is a very special year and not because the country is under the influence of LGBTQ mania but the release of Now and Then by the Beatles. This haunting very moving song is such a gift to the millions of fans who used to wait anxiously for any type of Beatles release over all these years. Still masters of their trade and precise in the delivery of the goods. It brings me great joy. Thanks guys!
Dear Bobby,
My name is Tizzy. I respect your opinion so I write to you to hear what have to say. My fiancée and I are finally getting married. We have three beautiful children, not all of them his. He accepts the various ethnicity and last names of his other children with grace. Boza is an aspiring artist and I love him dearly. We can’t wait until he can sell his work and provide some income into the family pot. But we decided to go ahead and plan a destination wedding. Half of Boza’s family is from the Caribbean so we have chosen to have our wedding in Jamaica in Negril. It’s much less expensive to have our wedding on a Wednesday so that’s what we will be going for. We are planning on about 60 guests. They are scattered all over the Western hemisphere. We will be asking for a monetary gift so we can go on a well-deserved honeymoon. We are accepting Venmo and Pay Pal. We have reserved a block of rooms near our bridal sweet but not too close. Ha Ha! The rooms for the guests have been discounted to $875 per night plus resort fee. If we get 25 people to book rooms, we get the bridal sweet for free. We have made arrangements for a shuttle to the hotel at a cost of $95 per person. You can book anything you want at the spa and get a 5% discount because of the Akmedi wedding. We would like to have guests arrive on Monday to attend all the pre-wedding festivities.
We want everyone to share in our love!
Dear Tizzy,
I am stunned but not surprised at your selfishness. Let me tell you the many reasons why this blows as an idea. The concept of a destination wedding is a big ask for the people you invite. No matter how you slice it, people will be spending thousands of dollars to make believe anybody gives a crap about a wedding for a couple that have children and have lived together for years. It sounds to me that Boza is a loser and a huge anchor for your spotted family. What the hell are you celebrating anyway? What you are after is someone else to pay for a “honeymoon”. The honeymoon left the station a long time ago, since you are currently peri-menopausal. Your timing for the ceremony means that many people will have to take vacation days to honor your extravagant wishes. Most folks want to use their vacation days for something they want to do within their own lives, not yours. I’m going to let you in a little secret Tizzy, your guests do not wake every morning thinking about what they can do for Tizzy and Boza.
Here are some steps you can take to rectify this ill-fated bull shit idea.
1) Cancel all plans for a destination wedding.
2) Go to city hall and get married.
3) Buy two bags of Doritos and a 6 pack and go home.
4) Put little figurines on a twinkie for your wedding cake.
5) Boza is never going to sell his crappy art.
6) Never use the term “honeymoon” again.
I hope I have helped you in your hour of need. While I’m not a certified counselor or life coach, any monkey could have answered your question.
Archduke Bobby White Sand La Douche’
(I identify as an archduke)