Before we get started, I have a great joke that has an unknown author. I heard it from an unstable friend of mine (Stevo) and I laughed out loud.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says” Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “that’s great, I’ll have a Kevin.”
Dear Mr. La Douche’,
I lost my job during the pandemic as a receptionist at The Blood, Pus and Ink Tattoo Parlor. With the State and Federal unemployment money coming in and the stimulus checks as well as the government money for my bastards I was able to hire a housekeeper and watch tv all day. I really enjoyed getting my groceries delivered and even the WE Take Food Stamps Liquor Store was on my speed dial. They even delivered. My life was sweet. And now it appears that I have to find work and get back into being a participant in society. I simply don’t want to lower my standard of living by getting a job. What should I do?
My Dear Amy,
First thing to do is to apply for food stamps while you have no job. Sign up for Medicaid. Find a list to all the food banks and government cheese outlets and fill your refrigerator and cupboards with free stuff all year long. Apply for rental assistance. Sign up for a community college program and student aid to pay for it. Apply for free internet and a laptop. Get free gas and electric during the winter by not paying your bill. Apply for a free county bus pass. Last but not least. Find a job that suits your leisure schedule that pays you cash. Save yourself the agony of paying taxes and having the free shit taken away.
Or get two jobs and pay your way.
Up yours,
Bobby La Douche’
Dear Bobby,
What do you think of an electric Corvette?
Max Milpita
Mr. Max,
This fully explains why General Motors is nicknamed Government Motors. An electric Corvette is not pure. The folks who buy Corvettes are older and know a lot about the history of this American icon and revel in the fact that it has tradition. That tradition is fast and has an exhaust sound. It’s like finding out your lady date has a penis. Dear GM, what the hell are you doing?
Dear Bobby L,
What’s the scariest thing you have ever seen?
Boris Bullworth
Mr. Bullworth,
I have a very easy answer for you. It is Joe Biden as President and Chlamydia Harris as VP. Harris’s sole purpose is to keep Joe from being shot.
Dear Mr. La Douche’,
I read crapmagazine.com all the time and find it xenophobic, homophobic, intolerant and angry. What do you say?
Meryl Streep
I am never angry. You forgot Islamophobic, biphobic and transphobic.
Dear Bobby,
I have a home economics question. How do you get grass stains out of children’s pants?
Murtle Schwartz
Murtle.
Have them play on artificial turf. Christ, are you stupid.
Mr. La Douche’,
With inflation being so high my discretionary income has really taken a hit and because of that I can’t afford some of my fun time activities. What kind of fun activities do you participate in?
Sequestered in LA
Dear Sequestered,
I agree with you here I tell ya. I have something fun for you and my readers to do. Essentially, we all have cell phones and we probably can manage to watch tv. Combine the two into a game. 1) Get the GoodRX app on your phone. It’s free. 2) Watch one of your favorite shows and wait for a drug to be advertised on a commercial. 3) Go to your phone and access GoodRX. 4) Type in the name of the medicine and check the local prices. Write your guess down and compare with others in your household. Winner should get some kind of prize like an Oreo and glass of milk. You will be astounded by the prices and you will be very happy you don’t need this medicine. You can make a list from highest price to lowest price. You can even guess what it will cost before you find out. What a hoot it will be knowing that nobody can afford the medicine.
For the People,
Bobby
Mr. La Douche’
My name is Tswanda Jones. How do you feel about African Americans getting reparations from the US government as a means of dealing with the aftermath of slavery?
Dear Miss Jones,
Are you now or have you ever been a slave? Being a slave to fashion does not count. Are you aware that it was the Africans who sold fellow Africans to the slave traders for beads, weapons, and rum. When England, the largest slave trader on earth, found religion they went to a tribe in Africa to inform a Chief that they no longer would be trading for slaves. So, the Chief had 800 of their finest inventories beheaded in front of the English religious contingent. Slavery is not related to just one color. The North African Muslims traded Christian slaves and the Christians traded Muslim slaves. If I follow your train of thought then Germany owes the world reparations for WW2 especially to the Jews. The Japanese owe reparations to China and Korea for the rape and pillage they heaped on them. Japan also owes reparations to the US, and the rest of the Allied powers for their murderous behavior. The Muslims owe the world reparations for all the acts of terror they teach through their religion. The Arab world owes reparations to Israel for their constant warfare with them. All during the arrival of mankind on this earth somebody has been screwing somebody. And finally, I owe reparations to all I have offended and the list is long. It’s a slippery slope and once it starts it will never end. Miss Tswanda, my answer is to get your kids through high school, go to your job, and set goals and plan their implementation because as George Harrison said “if you don’t know where you’re going any road will take you there.” By the way the name Tswanda isn’t helping.
Good Luck,
Bobby La Douche’
Dear Mr. La Douche’,
I am a lonely farmer and I admit to having sex with some of the barnyard animals. Is there anything wrong with this?
Clem Peat
No. Let’s add an A for animals to the LGBTQ+. LGBTQA+ Very chic!
Bobby
Mr. L,
What do you think of Joe Biden pardoning 6500 federal inmates who had marijuana convictions? I think it’s great.
Blake W.
Blake,
Blake, I imagine that you know your way around a bong. I bet you have a T shirt with a cannabis plant on it. You are so cool. You are one of millions who believe pot is not an issue to anybody. If you think that these guys in federal prison are in prison because they got caught with a joint in their pocket then you are a useless spore on society. Many of these inmates plead their sentences down from multiple offenses to get less prison time, so in essence they are being freed from all their charges. Think about that when one of these “poor” pot smokers are breaking into your house or robbing you at gun point. Know the facts before you say stupid things.
Irritated,
Bobby
Lastly, I am sending out my thanks to a country where I put my trash out on my curb and someone picks it up. I turn on my lights and they go on. I can select from a multitude of products to purchase. No one is poisoning me because I think Biden, Harris and Pelosi are idiots. I am allowed to do just about anything I want and I can make or break my own life. I don’t need the government to take care of every aspect of my world. I can and will take care of myself and my family as long as I can.
Exhausted from all the idiocy,
Bobby Bombay Sapphire La Douche’