by Bobby Lone Shark La Douche;
Vladimir (Adolph) Putin is crapmagazine.com’s Man of the Century
Just when you thought Adolph Hitler couldn’t be topped along comes the little man, Adolph Putin. As former head of the KGB, he is the master death and destruction. Before the Ukraine invasion he systematically killed all of his political enemies. He is in fact the Dictator of Russia and answers to no one. He is murdering people for no reason. Utilizing a sea of bullshit, he justifies murder and the total destruction of property for some creation of a new USSR. The only difference between Hitler and Putin is that Hitler had one testicle. Crapmagazine .com is certain that old Vlade is also a pedophile. The Gold Pile of Crap which is the statue given by crapmagazine.com for this most prestigious award will be sent to Mr. Putin wrapped in C-4 in the next few weeks.
The Money Give Away.
Billions of dollars were given to parents for having kids if their income was below an extremely generous level. Anecdotally lots of this money went for vacations and nights out away from these blessed children. You have kids, you raise them and pay for them. I did my own deal without getting bailed out by the lefty government or wow this is an idea, get an extra job, use birth control, or think your plan out. You are sitting on your ass all day anyway so you have the time to think things through and that doesn’t mean making a list of places that give out free stuff and put it in your Escalade for you.
Tent Cities in the US.
I wasn’t sure if the authorities or neighbors were aware that these tents are extremely flammable.
English Muffins.
Went to the Publix grocery store the other day. One package of English muffins was $5.29. Are they made of gold dust? The free money from the government doesn’t go as far as it used to. Can we have more?
Western Europe Dependent on Russian Pipeline for Energy.
Did somebody forget that Russia is not an ally? Hello folks………………. are you nuts?
Did you forget that Russia backs the Syrian and Iranian governments? That they hate the Jews? They are essentially a communist state with a little glitter thrown on it to confuse you.
Phil Mickelson loses sponsors.
Phil gets chopped by sponsors for saying the truth. The Saudis are trying to fund a golf league to rival the PGA. Golfer Mickelson calls them “shady motherfuckers” with a terrible record on human rights. They execute people for being gay and they killed Washington Post writer Jamal Khashoggi. Sponsors Callaway, American Express, KPMG, and Amstel Light have cut the money stream to Mr. Mickelson for such reckless use of the truth. The truth will set you free alright. There was only one thing that Phil did wrong and that was to apologize to anyone for saying what he believes.
Crapmagazine.com completes prestigious list.
The staff of crapmagazine.com have compiled a list of countries where rampant body odor (BO) is in place. We beg these countries to put biohazard warnings on their entire country on each and every map and globe produced. Travel warnings should be issued by any airline entering befouled airspace. Before we list the countries, we must understand the term body odor. It is a disturbing, piercing, stunning, offensive smell and/or taste from the smell from a human which incites the urge to gag, vomit or run from the area. Eyes may water. It will include the ripe smell of old stacked sweat and body oil as well as any urine, feces and blood which may or may not mix with the sweat and oil.
To rank these countries in order of BO intensity is not possible since it is such a subjective matter.
Russia, China, India, Romania, Bulgaria, Hungary, Poland, Czech Republic, Ukraine, Belarus, Slovakia, Moldova, Estonia, Croatia, Albania, Slovenia, Lithuania, Latvia, Serbia, Montenegro, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Indonesia, Thailand, North Korea, Vietnam, Iran, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Afghanistan, Laos, Uzbekistan, Cambodia, Mongolia, Qatar, Bangladesh, Syria, Armenia, Lebanon, Yemen, Jordan, Kyrgyzstan, Palestine, Oman, Tajikistan, Bhutan, Turkmenistan, Kuwait, Bahrain, Egypt, Turkey, South Africa, Nigeria, Kenya, Ghana, Senegal, Ethiopia, Tanzania, Morocco, Cameroon, Mali, Uganda, Sudan, Algeria, Somalia, Zimbabwe, Niger, Angola, Tunisia, Zambia, Liberia, Rwanda, Mexico, Cuba, and Equator. France is here too.
There are more but we must stop for our own sakes.
On a side note, these countries are often involved in wars. There may be a correlation. Crap magazine will continue to do research on this matter and follow up to our readers in the near future.
Important for New Home Builders.
Your wife won’t tell you this but spare no expense on the power and rpm of the bathroom exhaust fans. The standard-issue will not suffice your onslaught. This is not an area to skimp on. Get rid of the embarrassment when you open the door to the bathroom after one of your “events” with a fresh air experience. Go big or go home. There are 220-volt units that can move 1000 cubic feet per second. That should do it no matter what kind of burrito you ate.
An Anniversary of Note
As of March 1st, 2022 I have been retired for 3 years. Holy crap! 156 weeks of vacation. I have one master, which is the formidable Gladys, my ball and chain for 46 years. Gone are all the people who beat the crap out of me for years. I usually wake by 10:30 am. Take my barrage of meds and off to the refrigerator for my icy cold Diet Mountain Dew. I sit and read the daily newspaper with my faithful companion Chompi sitting on my lap. Next perhaps is a cup of Keurig coffee and a review of my e-mails and texts. Gladys comes home around then from her aquacise class and prepares our lunch as it should be (this is a joke so all you nervous highly anal folk can cool down). I have taken up cooking within my limitations and on occasion make a meal here and there which Gladys is very fond of. Usually, nine holes of golf are on the schedule with friends. Out to dinner then and its TV time. Netflix, Prime Video, Hulu, Spectrum, Roku and Firestick, what to watch, what to watch? This weekend we are going on a little boat cruise near us. Just to be clear, even if I do this for another 10 years it in no way could ever make up for the beat down in the previous 50 years. One cure for that is the ever-growing time span which helps lessen the blows. I really enjoy my days and am working on stopping the over-the-shoulder peek for the next kick in the nuts.
Many Thanks,
Bobby Lone Shark La Douche’
Your Friend in the refrigerator (I took the job from Carlo Rossi)