By Award Winning reporter Bobby Prednisone La Douche’
Millennial finds another use for Face Time: Shamrock Odom reports that you don’t have to use a mirror anymore in the bathroom. Just Face Time yourself and you won’t have to put down your phone. In response, Apple Phone i12 will have a makeup mirror that will work with the camera when it’s released next year.
Paranormal researchers are now working with Intel to make a chip for the future 6G phones that will enable us to speak with the dead. “The trick will be the infrastructure on the other side” says researcher Peter Venkman. “Billing will also be difficult” added CEO Dilbert Funk of Metaphysical Industries, Inc.
Burger King under fire for The Impossible Whopper for its contents. The highly touted veggie burger used in the Impossible Whopper was found to contain human ashes. Burger King public relations guru Saul Goldberg said “No problem really, Burger King only uses the ashes from vegans in its new delight.”
Russia reports on immigration in 2018: Immigration Chief Vladimir Dickoff reported that there were zero immigrants who entered Russia in 2018. I meant to say “there were no immigrants who entered Russia alive in 2018.” Mr. Dickoff took no further questions.
Delta Airlines now offers Prisoner of War class travel. Delta is retrofitting all its oldest planes with hand rails and getting rid of all the seats in its new Prisoner of War class. Our customers are demanding less room and less service and we aim to give it to them says an unidentified Delta spokesman. We can add 100 more customers per plane by having them stand and hold on to the rails. No carry-ons allowed, and restrooms are credit card accessible only. Disabled passengers will be loaded with the larger dog crates below. While customers can expect a savings of up to 5%, they can also expect to pay $500 for each checked bag. CEO Ed Bastian said, “No one can lower expectations like Delta.”
Nobody knows why people eat Fig Newtons.
Mayor McCheese faces impeachment. In a sting operation funded by the FBI, Mayor McCheese was said to have traded french fries for sex with Ronald McDonald. The fries used for payment were not purchased says FBI agent Leddie Bogard. It was not known if Mayor McCheese consummated his love for Ronald but American cheese was found in the underwear of Mr. McDonald while processing his rape kit or so says witness the Hamburglar. DNA results are pending.
TV Land continues to run the Gunsmoke and Bonanza series daily. Consumer TV expert Milt Edwards was at a loss. “Nobody watched that shit when it was first run” said Milt. TV Land spokeswoman Lisa Hoer said “we are actively courting our nursing home watchers; it helps them poop.” It is also known that TV Land pays no royalties for these godforsaken shows. In a somewhat related note, all the Cartwright’s on Bonanza wore toupees except Little Joe (Michael Landon). Apparently, no actors with their own hair were available.
Bernie Sanders gets coronary artery stents. 78-year-old presidential candidate had coronary artery stents put in after complaining of tiredness. His physician said he is doing great and is sending him for a consultation with a proctologist for stenting his rectum so he will have an easier time blowing it out his ass.
In order to not appear complacent, the French government has surrendered to Germany so the younger generations of France can get the hang of it.
New University opens in Ho Chi Minh City: A new center of fingernail and toe nail excellence has opened in Vietnam. The University of Shimmer offers BA, BS and PhD programs in fingernail and pedicure management. They specialize in teaching cash only programs to students so when they come to the US, they can skirt most of their taxes.
Update on Celebrities moving out of the US if Trump was elected: The following dickheads were going to move out. George Lopez, Whoopi Goldberg, Barbra Streisand, Al Sharpton, Samuel L. Jackson, Lena Dunham, Cher, Miley Cyrus, Bryan Cranston, Ne-Yo, Snoop Dog, Neve Campbell, and Chelsea Handler. As of right now, none have moved out. Wtf. You should all be politicians as you have the bullshit down pat.
Finally, I will finish with a statement that will answer a profound philosophical question. This is from the writings of Bobby Descartes La Douche’.
I poop, therefore I am.