November 2019 News for Crappers
By Bobby Wilhelm Klink La Douche’
J Lo testifies to Congressional Committee: J Lo spent two hours testifying to a House Committee on the state of the #MeToo movement. She implored the committee members to make sure that women are not looked upon as sex objects and unequal partners in the US and abroad. The testimony was marred on at least two occasions when J Lo’s right breast fell out of her plunging neckline and when she turned to redress it was obvious that she wasn’t wearing underwear. The tattoo of a PED using Alex Rodriguez was plainly visible on her left buttock. The meeting will be rescheduled after the air conditioning is repaired. Congressman Martin Bologna suggested Miss Lopez get a bikini wax before the next visit.
Robot vacuum cleaner manufacturers under fire: Several irate protestors picketed the plant that makes Roomba robotic vacuum cleaners and decried the use of brown and black colors on their various models as racist. Eustis Macaroon a spokesman for the group stated that using the vacuum cleaners in these two colors promotes racism and makes a statement that only people of color can and should vacuum the white man’s palace rugs. Eustis said, “Have you ever seen these things in white?” A senior VP at Roomba was set on fire as he tried to get into his Maserati during the protest.
Is there somebody younger available to run for president? A common theme has popped up as we approach the 2020 election cycle and it is the aging of the candidates. Trump is currently 73. Joe Biden is 77. Comrade Sanders is 78. Elizabeth Warren is 70. The amount of people with several chronic medical maladies at 70 and above is better than 75%. Why do people go out of their way to stay away from geezers in daily life? Because most of them are a big pain in the ass. Yet we seem to feel that our candidates somehow escape the aging process and are just better than we are. Maybe we should see Joe Biden’s face on a box of Depends with that just plugged the toilet look. It might say “Go ahead fill your pants, it’s on the DNC.”
Dallas Cowboys to play every game in the 2020-2021 season in Dallas on Sunday night: Roger Goodell was obviously excited to announce yesterday that next seasons Dallas Cowboy football team will play every game in Dallas on Sunday Night Football. While to some of us it seems a bit unfair, Commissioner Goodell said that, “It was just the way the coin landed for my lover Jerry Jones.”
Your farts are killing the planet says Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC): Activist genius congresswoman AOC is writing a clean air bill so the government will pay for every American to take BEANO to limit the amount of carbon dioxide to enter the atmosphere from human flatulence. AOC stated that white people fart more than people of color so the government will not pay for BEANO for the 160 million over privileged white farters. They will have to pay for their own but will be offered the typical 10% slaveholder discount at participating pharmacies in Mississippi.
Alex Trebec plans to die on stage while taping Jeopardy: Longtime host of Jeopardy told producers that he would like to die on the stage where he spent his entire life mimicking various accents while reading “answers” to the contestants. The final answer on that day’s show will be: What game show host died in the fetal position on the stage of a highly popular television game show? The answer is ……………………………
Agnes Moorehead’s lie finally exposed: A dusty old document was found at CBS studios last week that unequivocally proves that Agnes Moorehead who played Elizabeth Montgomery’s mother on the TV show Bewitched was NOT really a witch. Her stunts were done with camera tricks. The gold-plated broom was taken down quietly from her grave site without incident.
Could a Vegan eat a cow pie without guilt? The vegan community is divided over whether a cow pie could be a vegan dinner. One side argues that it’s nothing but grass and bacteria. The other says that bacteria itself is a meat. Another portion of the group claims that there has to be bile in it so it’s sure to be in conflict with the principles of veganism. In the meantime, the piles grow.
Dental implants reach a new level: Anyone who can see has noticed that almost every actor has had the teeth implanted. It seems odd that they all pick the 5XL size. Are these gargantuan teeth sold by the pound? Is there a contest to see who can get the biggest ones? Some of these people can hardly speak. There is also evidence that they add an extra 4 teeth in there to utilize the same amount of porcelain it takes to make a toilet. One good thing, shopping becomes easier as their relatives and friends can buy them a big log to gnaw on during the holidays.
Here’s something you will never hear on a commercial: Engineered in Poland.
State Farm Insurance offers free safe driving lessons to illegal immigrants: State Farm Insurance has started a program to help illegal immigrants learn how to drive safely without insurance. This would keep the sanctuary status for all who drive without licenses and pay for their cars in cash. State Farm Insurance CEO Michael L. Tipsord stated that it’s really a great program and its easily paid for by increasing the premiums of our paying customers.
Lady school bus driver caught on video drinking beer: A worker at a convenience store ratted out a woman who came in and bought two beers and then boarded her school bus. She was sipping her beer in a brown bag while driving as plainly seen on the video. While I am disappointed that this lady thought that putting the beer in a brown bag would somehow hide the activity, I do understand the need to adjust your attitude when driving mucous laden screaming little bastards all around town. Here’s some advice. If you have to drink beer while driving pour it in an empty soda can for God’s sake. I do suggest that you switch to a vodka mixed drink poured in a Gatorade bottle as vodka is hardly noticed by smell and you can smell beer for two miles.
November 11th Veterans Day: This is the only holiday that is apolitical. Thank God!
No thank you, no gift can ever repay what America’s veterans have given for us. While you liberal fuzzy warm little mealy mouthed butt munches complain about every possible issue in your Michael Kors, designer infused, Kardashian fucked up world, these people lay it all out there so you fill your already disgusting buttocks with more lard, drink champagne and watch tv shows like “The Wives of Ass town.”
Thanks all you veterans for everything. The really biggest gift ever. There are lots of real people who know what’s up.
I tip my hat to you.
Thanksgiving 2019: Who eats that cranberry shit in a can? I always see it in the garbage later.
Bobby Wilhelm Klink La Douche’