Odds and Ends
By Bobby Burrito La Douche’
Netflix Documentary: I highly recommend the Netflix documentary “The Poop Cruise.” Its 50 some minutes of feces and urine in a floating Carnival Petrie dish.If you have been on a cruise and thought the food was crap, try this on for size. Captain Stuebbing is not driving this love boat.
Netflix Series: The Survivors is a six episode limited series that is 4.5 episodes too long. Crapmagazine.com gives it a five-enema rating.
The Hardware Look: Went to see Chicago in concert at Milwaukee’s Summerfest last night. During our hours of waiting around I noticed an epidemic of piercings.
Through the nasal bone, through the nostrils, ears, cheeks, nipples, and whatever else you can’t see. I thought I was at a hardware store looking in the fastener aisle. There was a common theme and that is, these were ugly people. Gruesome actually. Supporting the scary look was an ocean full of tattoos. Don’t forget the pink and blue hair to really draw your attention to the shit show they have going on. PS: Employers like this look.
Barbara Billingsly (June Cleaver) was 5 feet 5 inches tall.
My sister the Duchess La Douche’ is enchanted with actor Cillian Murphy. I find him to be mesmerizing myself in a homosexual way.
I Phone Owners: Next time you enter a contact in your phone list scroll down to where you can enter “pronouns” for your contact. You are over-reaching Apple.
Stay in your lane.
The rabid folks who want to have “due process” for illegal immigrants don’t have any in their neighborhoods.
JD Pritzker, the Governor of Illinois, is really a python who swallowed JD Pritzker.
I have never had a hot hamburger at McDonalds. That’s over 60 years of testing.
To all the black ladies with the long-pointed finger nails, I have a question. Do you cut yourself when you wipe? Or do you load up with LUME and antibiotic ointment. E Coli anyone?
Chili’s 3 for $10.99 is the crapmagazine.com bargain of the year.
No better team than Trump and Netanyahu. It takes big balls to save a planet.
Balance in life: Sleep 12 hours a day. You are not eating or doing anything upsetting. Leaves only 12 awake hours for you to screw up.
Amazon should take over the US Postal Service.
It is a known fact that Bobby La Douche is not a fan of armpits and feet.
Are there any movies or series that Nicole Kidman is not in?
Dentists are people who couldn’t get into med school. However, they do earn a doctorate in the art of screwing people.
All TSA checkpoints should face east to Mecca. After all, that’s where all this crap came from.
My wife recently asked me to talk dirty to her. I said “change my diaper.”
Second request: For all you men out there with bushes growing out of your nose ears and eyebrows please go to Amazon and get a trimmer for Christ’s sake. It’s hard talking to you when I want to puke.
Eggo waffles, although petite, are good. Pretty soon they will fit in my wallet.
If you cannot afford the city you live in, like New York, go someplace else to kill and rob people. I want to live in Monaco, but guess what, it’s a little pricey.
Changing the name Golden State to Golden Shower State as a pride month suggestion for California.
I’m having a rapid decline as I get older. In a few months I’ll be an amoeba.
Suggestion for all car companies: Put a single switch on the dashboard that you push in to reset the change oil light. Currently, it takes less effort to become a surgeon.
What’s worse than being sentenced to death? Getting chained into a chair with your eyelids taped open and watching The View 24/7 in an IMAX Theatre.
I put two stools together that I purchased from Amazon. They are from China of course. How did it go you ask? Never swore one time. It must have been made by a 6-year-old this time instead of the usual 4-year-old.
Netflix recommendation: Justin Willman/Magic Lover. Between Mobland and Animal Kingdom you will need an amusing and fun reprieve. This show is 1 hr. and 4 minutes of humor and magic and peace. Take a break from the mayhem.
I put a kitchen island together that came in a heavy box. The Fed Ex guy put this by my front door. How long will it be before he needs back surgery? It took me 9 hours to put it together and I had the correct tools. Boy did I swear during this episode.
My friend was asked if she was coming to her son-in-law’s triathlon. No, she said. Correct answer I said.
Fact: Flushable butt wipes will plug your sewer. Where’s the class action suit on this. On a side note, do not flush Kleenex either, per my plumber.
Quote from Dennis Miller: “Flying on commercial airlines is more shit than shit is.”
A point well taken Mr. Miller.
Why is every failure now on the spectrum?
AOC and Jasmine Crockett were playing at a golf tournament to raise money for the Karl Marx Museum. Both of them teed off and their balls were side by side. They didn’t know what to do. They called an official over and said “We are both using Titleist 2 balls and we want to make sure that we don’t disqualify ourselves for hitting the wrong ball.” An extremely tan official named Donald looked down and said “Which one of you is using the yellow ball?”
Note to Stephen Colbert: Perhaps you are the wrong side of the majority. You know who adamantly felt he was correct? Hitler.
Next year let’s move Pride Month to Saudi Arabia. Hold on to your head’s folks.
Advice to the wealthy professional athletes out there: Opening a restaurant is a stupid idea. Many have tried but few have learned. Yet, you are just gonna do it aren’t you.
According to Bill Gate’s, the world-renowned climatologist, cows are the cause of 6% of the bad emissions on earth. How much gas is coming out of the 8.2 billion farting machines known as humans per day. Since beef is more expensive than humans, let’s get rid of 3 to 4 billion people, most of whom you won’t miss, and keep the steaks. It’s what’s for dinner.
Lastly, challenge yourself each day to put some money aside for my GoFundMe page. The liberal media is trying to crush crapmagazine.com in order to undermine the truth being told. Stay vigilant my friends. It’s not easy being me.
Bobby Israel La Douche’