Pooh Pooh Pee Pee Face
Christmas Letter 2020
by Bobby Noel La Douche’
You are probably wondering if I had a stroke when I named this letter but there is history to be understood. In the early ’80s when Gladys and I used to walk around the block countless times every day we would be accosted by two little kids who would see us coming and slowly come down the driveway to say “pooh pooh pee pee face” to us all the while making sure their mother wasn’t within earshot of their abuse. They were probably 4 or 5 years old. After the verbal barrage, they ran back up the driveway laughing all the way. Even at age 66, I find pooh and pee talk quite amusing. So, given the absolute turd bucket that 2020 has been, I have so named this Christmas letter.
You would think that 2020 stands alone atop the pile that defines the worst year in a hundred years. Not so. Searching relentlessly, as a Pulitzer Prize-winning author such as myself would do, I went back to 1920 to check what kind of horseshit was going on then. In 1920 somewhere between 17 million and 50 million people died from the flu pandemic. Others say up to 100 million. This with a global population of about 2 billion. In 2020, with a global population of 7.7 billion, there have been 1.62 million deaths from Covid. The 1920 flu pandemic was 125 times worse than COVID. Doesn’t help the dead and the sick right now, but I don’t think Trump was living in 1920 so you can’t blame him. However, I think Biden was alive then, probably in his fourth term in the Senate.
Here’s where it really gets disturbing. In 1920 when people were dropping like children in a Chinese sweat shop the United States votes in Prohibition. My God, I don’t know what’s worse. The flu or no booze. The only thing that is keeping people alive right now in 2020 is the ability to put a mask on and go shop for the distilled juices that keep them from going mad. I also want to make sure that my readers understand that the Prohibition onslaught was started by women. Don’t forget I said, women.
The third bomb of 1920 was giving women the right to vote. But Mr. La Douche’ what’s the problem with that? It was women in 2020 that enabled us to have the oldest president-elect ever as well as the least qualified vice president/mistress ever.
So, by a landslide, 1920 has officially replaced 2020 as the POOH POOH PEE PEE FACE Year of a Century. By scientific deduction, it appears that most of our country’s problems have been caused by women. With proof this solid I feel that this statement will go on to live for all time as a given in science and change the world forever.
Let’s Get Personal
The La Douche’ Family in 2020
At some point, I had every symptom of Covid-19 this year. Thankfully my daughter Sasha, the genius molecular biologist from Stanford, came up with the vaccine. She did it all on her own time after hours from her position assisting the Pentagon. She also made time to be a surrogate mother for her long-time friend Jennifer Aniston. After they shoot the swimsuit edition for Sports Illustrated this month in Cabo, Sasha is coming to take us to The Vatican to have a closed-door think tank session with the Pope and then on to spend a week with George and Amal Clooney in Tuscany. They expect to form a charitable foundation to aid aging actresses who no longer have work due to ageism, sexism, racism, and other isms.
My son Rafael has spent the last 10 years performing tests on the Shroud of Turin to determine its authenticity. All of his efforts have to be done in a manner as not to diminish the Shrouds composition. He plans to take a small leave to join us in The Vatican before he embarks on further evaluation. Rafael was also working with Stephen Hawkins before his death on a machine that would utilize neutrinos to separate Jesus’s DNA from the Shroud. He plans to finish the project on his own.
My wife Gladys has spent the year growing her own organic cotton in order to make masks for the pandemic in a green healthy way. She employs only adults who were cocaine babies. All profits to go to the aging actress’s foundation for plastic surgery in order to make them look like employable whores again.
I would like to thank all of our friends and family members for sending us Facebook pictures of them eating breakfast or cutting their lawns or other simple tasks that require no intellect. As Judge Smales says in the movie Caddyshack, “The world needs ditch diggers too.”
Merry Christmas to All!
Bobby Noel La Douche’