Questions from the Audience
By Bobby Pride La Douche’
With the apparent demise of the world on the horizon I’ve consolidated important questions from my readers and will respond as best I can.
Dear Bobby,
Are you doing anything special for Pride Month?
Leonard Busby
Well Leonard, I have to be honest here. As the rainbow gets shoved down my throat, I have to admit that when I think of a rainbow now all I can see is the leprechaun at the end, bent over, taking one up the pooper. While I’m on this subject did you know that monkey pox usually shows up on the genitals and anus first. How oh how does this happen? By the way does the medical community consider the gay male anus as part of the genitals? Inquiring minds need to know.
Mr. La Douche,
What do you think of President Biden and his first year and a half in office?
Richard Fink
Well Dick, while he’s not as productive as Jimmy Carter, I believe that Joe Biden is everything I thought he could be. The people who passed the Americans with Disabilities Act must be very proud of having a disabled president in office. It’s not often you have an acting president with dementia. I think in the future when the history books are written there will be an asterisk after his name denoting that Obama was actually the president during these years. Let’s list his accomplishments. Runaway inflation. Trillions lost in stock market. Millions of illegals crossing the border. Gas over $5 per gallon. And yet I’m still hearing Trumps name on the news every day. I don’t give a crap about the January 6 th riot.
Dear Bobby,
How do you feel about gun control?
Dennis Feterberg Malley
This is a multi-faceted question so I will dissect it. Every time we have a shooting there is a call for gun control. What’s needed is people control. Ever since video games loaded with killing came on the market the youngsters have bought in hook, line and sinker. I believe that there is a correlation here. Nobody talks about it. You should have to be 21 to purchase a gun. Not a hard thing to understand. The disintegration of the nuclear family is helping this lunacy continue. Generally, there are more idiots than you could ever imagine out there. Our gene pool is awash in stupid. Many guns that can be purchased in stores are certainly not hunting weapons. The government should just tax the crap out of these weapons. There are many people in this country who don’t want the government to intrude here because government doesn’t know when to stop. While the inner cities are awash with shootings every day, I would bet that the people who are using the guns there would not be eligible to own one. Another fact is that there are probably a billion guns out there in homes across the country right now. What do you do about that? I own a pistol for my protection in my home. I’m not a danger to anyone unless I’m threatened in my home by intruders who are a threat to my family or somebody puts The View on my TV. I’m like just about everybody else who has a gun. People drive drunk all the time and some people kill others on the road when they are drunk. Is there a call to ban alcohol?
Or maybe should we ban alcohol that is over 50 proof or high-octane beer or wine. 6 million people die from cigarette smoking each year. Why not ban cigarettes? Currently many states allow recreational marijuana use. I would imagine that this has added to many more impaired people on the road. The states still went ahead with it because of tax revenue. Ask the people of Colorado now if this was a smart thing to do. These types of battles are never won or lost but keep bouncing forward when the shit hits the fan. Your government representatives are bought and paid for. How else do people become multimillionaires working for the government? Do the math.
Dear Mr. La Douche,
What’s with the Roe vs Wade redo?
Tim Gizzard
Mr. Gizzard,
It took 50 years to overturn a decision that is according to the justices a decision that should not have been made. People are going ape. The democrats believe that abortion is a viable birth control method. At least that’s what Pelosi called it. The news stated that this ruling would really hurt black and brown people the most. Is this a veiled racist statement that states that black and brown people are too stupid to use birth control? 65 out of 1000 black women have had an abortion. Holy shit! It’s interesting that republicans want to keep your baby alive and the Dems want to kill future democratic voters. Here’s where crapmagazine.com stands. The government, state or federal, should not pay for an abortion. Adults should know about birth control since everybody is having sex after the first date or earlier. No surprises here kids! Somewhere somehow, you’ll have to answer to a higher power about your choice. Adoption is always a viable option and half the babies born in the US are bastards anyway. It’s very fashionable. Just like being gay or transgender.
Dear Bobby,
Are you going to get an electric car?
Milton Green
Dear Milty,
There is a place for an electric car but not in my garage. I travel several times a year with trips well over the 300-mile capacity. It just isn’t practical for me. I believe the answer is really in the hybrid cars and trucks that recharge their own batteries. Some stuff to think about. We are getting the electric car thing
jammed up our keister because it’s cheaper to make an all-electric car than a gas model or hybrid model. The companies will simply make more money with less employees. The government is already giving the companies $7500 per unit in the form of a tax rebate to the buyer. People are in line to buy them and they of course will pay sticker at least. The batteries in these e-cars weigh a lot. An electric Ford 150 weighs about 3000 pounds more than its gasoline brother because of the batteries. It’s also more likely to kill you in an accident because of its robust 8250-pound bulk. The 1000 hp electric Hummer weighs over 9000 pounds. 1000 hp for what? The heavier the vehicle the faster tires wear out. In cold and hot climates, you will lose 20% of your possible travel distance between charges. Each year the batteries lose 2.9% of its ability to hold a charge. If you use the a/c and/or heat that reduces your battery life. Ford pays $18,000 for the batteries which they use in the electric Mustang. Nobody knows what the hell to do with them after they are used up. Can you imagine the fun when you have to recharge your car during a trip? What better place to promote road rage then a station where people wait for hours to get their chance to charge their car for 20 minutes so it will last another 80 miles. No matter what any climate nut says this will be the real problem that will take years and years to fix. The US buyer is being asked to fix the climate alone. China and India, the world’s biggest polluters, are doing nothing. Hybrids are the answer. They utilize the best of resources available now without shutting the US power grid down every night when the green folk plug in their cars. What’s more important to you, having a charged car or having power in your home.
Dear Bobby,
How do you feel about the crowded conditions for America’s chickens?
Alan Crabshaw
Dear Al,
We need to do them chickens better. Let’s get each chicken a half-acre lot with a 2300 square foot ranch coop. Preferably a lot with an ocean view. All the fixins like a/c, water, infinity pools, and the best mattress available. Each chicken will have their own servant to wait on them 24/7. This will be funded by an increase in egg prices to $1000 per egg and an egg tax of 62% atop that. Biden stated that “most of the cost will be footed by the very rich with the proposed Egg McMuffin tax”. No more needs to be said.
Dear Bobby,
Do you know any good jokes?
Mike Stupek
Mr. Mike,
Well, I have one for you. I paid 53 cents for this joke which I found in the National Jokes book at Barnes and Noble. Why do Italian men wear gold chains? To show them where to stop shaving. My friend, Fred the Spectacular, said this joke will work with Greek men as well. I concur. Furry little fellows aren’t they.
Dear Mr. La Douche’
I would like to visit San Francisco for a vacation and see the sights. What do you think?
Derwood Nichols
Hey Derwood,
I’ll give you a clue about this. They are changing the lyrics to the song “I Left My Heart in San Francisco” to “I Left My Feces in San Francisco”. Follow the poop all around town while dodging heroin needles all the way to a large area where the sidewalks are clean, the air is fresh and bums aren’t living in tents. This is the Pelosi compound. You can buy a postcard there.
Dear Bobby,
I am considering gender reassignment. I don’t know where to start? Can you help?
Igor Lopez
Dear Igor,
I am assuming that your mother is Russian. Just an observation. I can save you much time and effort with this situation. I’ve never seen a man who becomes a woman ever be attractive, in fact you will be downright gruesome. With your name being Igor I’m sure this assumption will hold up. If you go to all the trouble of becoming an ugly girl and then wish to date other women after the fact, you have made a 360-degree trip back to where you started. If you become interested in dating men after your metamorphosis you will only get far enough to get the shit beat out of you when you are found out. It’s a lose-lose situation. Stick with the original equipment and be miserable like the rest of us. Parts is parts.
Bobby L
Thoughts
There has been considerable talk about the United States returning to the moon and eventually a manned flight to Mars. They are shooting for the stars and will spend billions and billions of dollars to do so. While this is all well and good, I would trade all of it for someone who can put the cheese on the middle of my fish sandwich and keep the tartar sauce off the box it comes in.
Researchers at Johns Hopkins are said to be within 5 years of being able to enable men to get periods like their female counter parts. It’s a socialist goal to make everybody miserable. This research is sponsored by Tampax and the Democratic Party. There will be a reissue of the “Let it Bleed” album by the Rolling Stones to commemorate the event.
No regrets here,
Bobby Pride La Douche’
Coroner to the stars