Perhaps I’ve walked around my neighborhood a few hundred times. I get a sample of intelligence and management skills as I look around their homes and driveways. In the happy time called summer, signs can appear in the yards which help me make decisions about my driving behaviors and life pathways. Will I go 70 mph in a 25-mph zone? Should I keep my eyes open when driving? Will I take the time to put my lights on in the dark? Am I aware that there may be children playing outside and thus become targets for bad drivers? Do I know that there are some parents who love their children? They love them so much that they don’t want their children to get run over. The sign says so.
First things first. Never in my exhausting travels have I ever seen any child playing outside. Today’s little bastards are insiders. In order for me to run over one of these loved children, I would have to leave the roadway, traverse the front yard and launch my vehicle into the video game room thereby having my car come to rest atop a fat little kid with man thumbs and no spine.
SLOW CHILDREN PLAYING: I don’t think people need to know your kids are retarded (yes, I wrote retarded).
In keeping with this train of thought I suggest the following signs to be put in use.
Do What You Want
My Kids are shooting other Kids online
Caution
40-Year-Old Living in Basement
Danger
Opioid Crisis in Progress
My Pitbull is Friendly
Nobody Here Knows How to Cut the Grass
Small Yellow Bus Stop
Dear Crossing (significant others only)
If your dog craps in my yard I will kill you and your family
Make America a Shithole Again
Vote Democrat
No Solicitation
Credit Score 120
No Trespassing
Unless you are from Mexico
Blind Person at Work
Please leave lights off
Sanctuary Neighborhood
Shit wherever you like
No Parking
Except Heroine Users
Oxygen in Use
Don’t Call 911-Let it burn
Need a Safe Zone?
You are so full of shit!
Caution
Baby Boomer Enabler Lives Here
Quarantine
Parents too stupid to Immunize
“I give a shit so you don’t have to”.
Bobby La Douche’