The Ben Dover Files
(stories are without lubricant)
Reporter: Bobby Springtime La Douche’
Recently I was reminded of the complete shafting you get when you take the fam on the pilgrimage to pay homage to the Mouse. Don Henley referred to him as Orlando’s Rat. I was with my adult children and grandchildren near Orlando. We were staying for a week to have some pool time and die in the July Florida heat. My son Bob and his lovely bride Giselle decided to take the kids to the Magic Kingdom for a complete day of penetration, oh I meant magic. They kindly asked me and my wife to come along. What a great time to spend “quality time” with our family. I quietly responded that I wouldn’t go there for $10,000. So, me and the ball and chain stayed home in the air conditioning to suffer alone in the quiet with icy cold cocktails and complain about our kids.
So off they go. At the ticket booth nice and early to spend over $800 for 6 people to rot in lines all day. Bob was getting some curt answers from a mouse disciple trying to waste his money and he said “whoooooooh, isn’t this the happiest place on earth?” Mable straightened up pretty quick. Walt’s ghost is said to haunt the park and sets unhappy employees on fire. Off they go to the Magic Kingdom. It’s magic alright, you throw eight hundred dollars in the air and it disappears. The ass pounding started at 9 am and went until 10 pm. The kids went on 6 major attractions in 11 hours but this also included a $30 per person lunch. Taking into account an hour for lunch the average wait per ride was 1.66 hours. I would wait 1.66 hours to meet Paul McCartney but that’s about it. Bob got overheated and puked into some Mickey trash cans early on. He located cool air vents and sat down like a veteran government worker most of the rest of the day. It essentially cost each person $22.22 per ride. What a bargain!
According to Google (God) the Magic Kingdom gets an average of 56,000 people every day. That’s easily $5.6 million a day not including the mouse shit they sell or $2.4 billion annually just for the Magic Kingdom. If your wondering how they pay to keep Walt’s body frozen all these years, now you know.
These same people who wait endlessly and spend thousands of dollars to be miserable won’t upgrade their McMeal because it costs an extra dollar at home. They take infants to this place like it matters to them. Why don’t you preggos implant a magiccam in your uterus so the fetus can see the magic happen. Don’t show the magiccam to the ticket booth or they will charge you an extra hundred or more if there are twins etc. Wake up and smell the CRAP.
Do you realize that this entire experience could be replaced by virtual realty glasses in the comfort of your own climate-controlled dwelling? You may miss the BO smell of sweaty foreigners but just invite your sweaty foreigner neighbors over.
This review is purely my opinion and I am probably wrong since millions of people are willing to go there. But when people are Crabby Retired American People you should expect no less. Or is less more? Or is my real name Les. Christ, I don’t remember.
Like Sheriff Andy Taylor said “When there’s weasel tracks around the hen house keep an eye on your chickens.”
It was an honor.
Bobby L